MY EXPERIMENTS with LOVE

Not that I am a genius at it now.

Not that I know everything there is to know about it either.

I don’t believe there is a single soul that’s walked this earth that’s grasped the entirety of love. And I don’t want to claim to be such a person either. But having walked this earth for almost 27 years now, I think I have gathered enough experience – and courage – to be able to pen a piece such as this one. Maybe others before me have realized and written about this already. Definitely many others after me are going to realize this and write about it. But the people I see around me are the ones who have not yet grasped this. These are people I care about. And I want them to know what I have learned, so that maybe when it is their time to experiment with love, they will at least make new or different failed attempts.

Lesson no. 1: NEVER try to change your guy.

I thought I wasn’t one of these girls. This category of girls who are always trying to develop new tastes in their guys, make them like Sushi and EDM and long walks on the beach and holding hands, make them hate cricket and beer and strip-clubs and porn; and yes, I am not one of those girls. But that doesn’t make me immune to this very common and natural human tendency. I only do it in different ways. Trying to get him to relax more, trying to make him develop healthy eating habits, trying to make him wear bright colours or keep a French beard.

Trying to change your guy – or any person in your life – is a sure recipe for disaster; and I need not explain this. I am pretty sure you know this. However, the corollary is not true. It is not always possible or good to change yourself or adapt yourself either; that is a sure recipe for disaster too. Burning yourself out trying to accommodate the world is never a good idea (and I will address this at a later point here). The important thing I have learnt is to accept things and situations. Now this may be the most difficult thing to do, and trust me, I have learnt it the hardest way possible. But the process can bring immense peace to you. It is important to realize that we cannot affect every situation, cannot amend every decision, and cannot cure every bad habit. We have to learn to be ok with certain things in life – the friend who, in spite of you giving all you could to stay in touch with them, drifted away; the love that, in spite of you putting everything at stake, was not meant to be; the relationship that, in spite of you swallowing your pride and ego and trying to make up, went kaput anyway. People come and go, leaving imprints on your heart. And even though it is tempting to want to keep the person in your life forever, we should focus more on creating lasting and positive imprints rather than trying to make the person last forever. We all know - everything changes; but memories can stay.

Lesson no.2: NEVER try to save your guy.

Now this one can be quite a puzzle to understand. But if you have ever felt like going out of your way and doing something for someone – your mom, when you saw how tired she was from all the chores; your dad, when he came back from work and looked stressed; your friend who was just going through a tough time at home or school; or your guy, who seemed functional and happy with you but was still mourning his past relationship – you’ll know what I am trying to talk about. A video I recently came across explained this to me so beautifully and simply. Our undying need to help other people, to save them, stems from the feeling of wanting to be saved ourselves. From what? It could be from anything –apathy, disappointment, depression, anything. So what do you do – watch indifferently as your guy deals with his demons? No. Be there for him. Show him your support and love. But don’t make his demons your own. That is just going to result in two people and twice the more demons to fight.

It is ok to fail in trying to save someone. How can we really save anyone when we are failing miserably at saving ourselves? We can’t. But don’t feel miserable about it. I know just how hard it is, and how long it can take to come to terms with this. I am guilty of having done it myself. I tried so hard to save him, although I could see I wasn’t going to succeed, that I put everything, every last bit of my love and my soul into trying to save him. I believed I would be able to do it, even though I could very clearly see that I was failing. People told me he is not worth the time. But I felt guilty about giving up. Eventually of course, I failed. I blamed myself for it for... well, for a really long time. I felt like… I had lost a battle I’d been fighting for so long. But I lost a lot more than just the battle. I lost a part of me. I lost the ability to care for people for a long time. I gave myself in so much to that one relationship that for a very long time I was unable to feel anything for anyone. But you know what? No-one is worth it. No-one is worth driving yourself to this point. It took me several months to forgive myself for it, and to be ok about having failed. What’s amazing is I was able to go a step further and realize that there was nothing to forgive myself about in the first place. It is ok to not save someone. And it is ok to put your well-being and ‘self’ before the world.

And this brings me to the final lesson, and that’s –

Lesson no. 3: Save 'it'.

'It’ can be anything – love, affection, respect, time, energy, effort, etc. Your ‘it’ will be different from that of the next person. It will be different from that of your friend, your sister, your guy. What’s important is to learn to never give any relationship all of 'it'. Being fed with romantic movies and stories that talk about selfless love full of sacrifices ever since we are little girls, it is in our nature – or rather our ‘nurture’ – to want to sacrifice everything and try and save our guys. But the kind of sacrifice that we expect ourselves to make demands of us to pause and think for just a moment – what exactly are we sacrificing? Who or what for? And why? We feel like we are not doing enough, or we are being ‘selfish’ if we give any less than all of our ‘self’ and our life to a relationship. But is it really worth it? Is any relationship worth it? Maybe you already know that the answer is actually ‘no’. But you – conditioned by mothers, movies and society – won’t allow yourself to admit it, even if just to yourself. Don’t do that. Life is too short to be so hard on yourself.

So were our mothers wrong in doing so?

No.

And you won’t be wrong to do so either – if it is your conscious choice. But please be sure to make the choice consciously, and not as a result of general expectation or conditioning. And please, don’t expect something in return. Do it because you want to do it. Don’t ever use it in an argument as a trump card. (‘I have given my life to you! Why can’t you at least do the dishes once?! Is it too much to ask for?!’)

In my personal experience, the only thing worth giving our ‘self’ to is our passions. Cooking, music, art, sports, fitness, travelling, photography, reading, writing, charity, social service, teaching, environmental issues, dog-shelters – whatever form your passion takes. That’s the thing to invest in. That’s the thing to pour into. Literally pour into. Nothing can be more satisfying. And if you haven't found your passion yet, well, keep looking. As I said before, burning yourself out is not a good thing, no matter how justified the cause or end seems.

Being in love makes us do funny things. It makes us want our partners to learn everything we learn, experience all good things we do, it makes us want to take their hand and drag them along behind us everywhere we go. My experiments with love, however, have taught me to be content with walking on parallel paths with my guy. Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we don’t; and even though our paths are parallel, they are not the same. Life will bring different bends and detours in mine, and different hurdles and turns in his. If on any such detour I happen to chance upon a beautiful lake, I shouldn’t try to go back, find my guy and drag him after me to show him the lake. Neither should I expect him to leave his path and run after me with an umbrella if it starts to pour down on my path. It is my own individual journey, and although I can choose to narrate my experiences to him, I have no right to pull him off his path or journey and make him join mine, even if it is only because I want him to see that beautiful lake. If we both live through the same things at every point and on every level, how are we ever going to enrich each other’s life? How are we going to diversify? 

Sometimes it can be difficult to watch your love struggle with the same things that you did and not do anything about it; it is very tempting to want them to listen to you just so that you can save them from another failure or heartbreak. But we must learn to allow them to discover things on their own – even if it takes them a couple of experiences more than you. And if they still don’t get it then its fine. That absolutely okay too. And you are not being selfish when you do this. You are only being wise, in that you understand that their set of unique thoughts and experiences is what makes them the person they are, the person you love; and yours make you the person you are. And before you expect anyone to love you the way you are, you must first learn to love yourself for who you are.

I GOT 20/-

I had a chat with one of my friends today… after a really long time. He is someone I genuinely like, but also someone I genuinely hate! We quarrel more, and more often, than we talk; and we always joke about it. It’s a funny friendship I have with him – but he is a good guy, and I like him.

It is almost after a couple months that we spoke to each other… and within minutes we were arguing about some hypothetical question. But this time the conversation got a little more personal than hypothetical, and things kind of went out of hands.

Eventually we did sort it out, and ended the conversation on a happy note, but – the obsessive, compulsive over thinker that I am – I kept thinking about our conversation for the rest of the day. Like the backdrop of a stage, my mind kept coming back to it again and again, after all the thoughts had vanished from the foreground. I left the house in the same state, and forgot my bike keys inside after I had pulled the door close. Then I realised I had forgotten my wallet as well, and the keys to the house along with it. I checked my pant pockets and found I had about fifty bucks. I decided to take a rickshaw to college.

I met all my classmates on reaching the department… after many days we were all happy and laughing and tension free, now that exams were over. We went to the canteen and decided to rob one of our friends of all her money – she owed us too many a treat and hadn’t given any! We all decided to settle the account.

‘Arre yaar, aaj mere paas sacchi itne paise nahi hai!’ she tried to explain – ‘I got only twenty!’

But we still kept on teasing her and asking her for a treat.

And in that moment I realised – isn’t that about how unreasonable we act sometimes?

We expect time from someone who is busy.

We expect co-operation from the least friendly colleague.

We want love from someone who takes us only as a friend.

We want someone who loves talking to sit quietly and listen to us.

My mom always says – each person gives only that what he has. I used to never understand her when she used to say that – but now I know.

There are so many kinds of people we meet every day – look around and you may find that namuna who is always happy, that person who is always alone, who is always sad, or who is always lost. There was a phase when I used to be always angry. My friends used to say – you lose your temper too quickly now-a-days.

When I look back, I now realise that at that point of time, I was going through a lot of things that I had absolutely no control over. It was like I was being pulled into situations which I wanted to avoid and there was nothing I could do about it – and it made me angry. The fact, or its realisation, that I had no control over what was happening to me and no way to make it right made me angry, and my anger lashed out at people near me.

But do we realise this when we see it happening around us?

We are very quick at jumping to conclusions –

‘Oh she has changed, she is just so moody now-a-days.’

‘I don’t know what’s wrong; he was never like this before.’

But do we ever stop and think “why” this is happening?

A person who is hurt, hurts others.

A person who is angry, lashes out at others.

A person who does not hang out with others is in fact feeling very lonely and outcast himself.

A person who is bitter has someone being bitter to him.

It is almost always like this.

Each person gives only that what he has.

If you see such people around you and if they are someone you know or like or care for, go talk to them; sit down next to them; chat with them; ask them if they want to share what they are going through with you.

Help them.

Genuinely help them.

And help them in a way that suits them – not in a way that you think is right. Don’t help them for your sake – to make you feel good; for that help is no help.

It is not too difficult to pick on someone who is going through a tough time – unless that person is really good at masking his or her true feelings. And even such people break down at some point of time.

No one wants someone who is always rude, or moody, or upset, or fussy, or angry around them – but if that someone is your friend, don’t abandon him, for that only adds to their pain. Talk to him.

Pouring your heart out does not always mean loving the person, being caring, being affectionate and being nice – as much as these feelings, it is also the heart only that is home to feelings like hurt, anger, exertion, disappointment. Don’t choose people by their behaviour towards you, for that is going to change with their state of mind and with the state of affairs in their lives; choose people for the what they are after all these feelings have washed off and faded away… for that is the true nature that lies at the heart of that person.

Every person is capable of some good in life – and no one who is distressed deserves to be abandoned by his friends.

If someone got only twenty, he will give you only twenty. Don’t say – oh he won’t even give me a fifty, I don’t like him. Remember the times he gave you more than you wanted – and be grateful for it, for we may never know when roles reverse and we are on the other side, only hoping and wishing crazy that our friends understand us and support us.

The good and the bad are both you – don’t be ashamed of it.

And always remember – someone who can’t handle your worst, doesn’t deserve your best.

A DIFFERENT LIFE

I waited as my cousin Sonali fished for the keys to her flat in her purse. I was just dying to drop my bags and enter the shower – the Mumbai climate was already taking its toll on me and my senses; I was going mad! Our college had organised an industrial visit which had brought us to Mumbai. I decided to stay back and spend a day with my cousin while my friends went back with the class. I had been wanting to see my cousin’s place since a long time – since she got married to an IIT Professor in fact. They obviously lived on campus, and from her descriptions, her place sounded like a small bit of heaven on Earth.

She opened the door and we stepped into the place – and I immediately fell in love with it. It was a nice cosy little house that had a very welcoming feel to it. And just as she had mentioned time and again in our chats – it was windy. Very windy.

‘Wow!’ I said, as I heard all the earthen wind chimes around the place resonating in the wind. I remembered her picking them up from Pune before she shifted to Powai. ‘The chimes sound so lovely!’

‘Don’t they?’ Sonali said. I smiled.

‘Okay, I’m making a straight dash for your bathroom now! Where can I dump my stuff?’ I asked.

Sonali showed me to a little bedroom – this one had the wind chime that was shaped like the sun – and helped me with my bags.

‘I’ll make us cold coffee till you have a shower. Thike?’

I gave her the thumbs-up.

About half an hour later we were sitting in her balcony, enjoying cold coffee and chocolate sponge cake and Chitale bakhar-vadi that she loved and that I had got for her from Pune. It was a very different experience. I had never even dreamt I would ever be at Sonali-tai’s place, gobbling, gossiping and doing all girly stuff – we were both not like that. But then, here I was – and I was enjoying it.

‘So how was your visit?’ she asked.

‘Boh-ring!’ I said, munching on the cake. Boy was I hungry!

‘I toh just can’t figure out how you can study so much! That itself is so boh-ring! And hell, you stand first in class and college and all… really, you are disrespecting us all!’ se mocked. Apparently I was the youngest and most studious of all us cousins.

I laughed as I heard Sonali-tai bash me up a little more; though of course in a very sisterly and ‘I’m-proud-of-you-but-this-is-still-too-much’ kind of way. Just then the doorbell rang.

‘Hey! What happened?’ Sonali-tai said as she opened the door for my Sanjay-jiju.

‘Forgot some of my stuff,’ he said.

‘Hi jiju!’ I called out.

‘Oh hi! When did you get here?’

‘Just a while ago. How are you doing?’

‘Running late for a lecture as of now! We’ll catch up over beer and eats in the evening, ok?’ he said, as he headed for the door carrying a file in his hand.

‘Sure!’

He kissed Sonali on her cheek and looked at her, into her eyes. He whispered something softly that made her laugh and hit him playfully. I looked away, just out of respect.

Sonali shut the door and came back where I was sitting. I smiled at her.

‘What?’ she asked.

‘It’s so nice to see you and jiju like this,’ I said.

‘Oh Sanjay is very cool,’ Sonali added.

‘Waise, if I may ask, what happened with that other guy you were dating when you were working for that call centre in Pune?’

‘Oh him – well, it just didn’t work out.’

‘But I thought you were doing really well together…’

‘Yes; but things changed after I started going for the night shifts.’

I kept staring at her, a little at loss.

‘I don’t understand…’

She sighed. ‘It’s very difficult to maintain a relationship when you can’t even see each other. And then night shifts hardly leave you any time to do anything else.’ She paused. ‘It’s like; you just don’t have a social life anymore. No festivals, no get-togethers. You come home and sleep while your world is awake and going about their usual day to day life, and you wake up and go to work when everybody else is sleeping. It’s very frustrating.’

I waited for her to go on.

‘After a while you even stop being used to having people around you. You have issues having a normal conversation with your friends, your parents even sometimes. You become a recluse.’

I tried to imagine a life like that – it was a scary thought. I looked at Sonali-tai and I could see it was difficult for her to share all this. But she still kept going on.

‘I was very depressed for a long time. It’s too much of pressure. People only see the money; and I admit that is what even I looked at for a long time. I wanted to quit well before I actually did, but I kept working looking at the money that I needed to earn at that time. Easy money they say? It’s not easy at all. And then I couldn’t give him enough time either. So he called it quits. Rather we called it quits. He was not willing to wait, and I needed that job at that time.’

I looked at my cousin. She seemed such a different person as she was talking to me.

‘There are certain things that you just have to do in life,’ she went on. ‘Doing a job you don’t like, leaving a guy you don’t want to… No one makes or forces you to do them, but you know you have to do them for your growth, for your development. You need that experience at that point of time and it teaches you a lot of things that you may not learn otherwise. I am glad I kept the job rather than the relationship. Today when I look back, I am happy with the decision I made, cos now I am a little stronger than I was before; I can handle being alone a lot better, it’s helping me work out my relationship with Sanjay too. I am also a lot less judgemental about people who work in call centres. So all in all, I am glad it happened to me.’

WAVE OF UTTER GIBBERISH

I hate Chetan Bhagat.

I never thought I would ever get this kind of a feeling. But I did, within less than a moment, today, when I was at Crossword.

Now, lemme take a moment here to dwell a little bit into my relationship with the author.

I was in 11th standard, when I read my first Chetan Bhagat book. Or rather when he wrote and published his first book. And I instantly fell in love with it. I gifted the book to many of my friends on their birthdays, and the popularity of the book spread like wild fire. Suddenly everyone was reading Five Point Someone, communities sprung up on Orkut, and people started having competitions of who had read Five Point Someone the most number of times.

Then came One Night @ The Call Centre.

And then 3 Mistakes Of My Life.

And somehow I started liking him lesser and lesser.

Somehow I still felt a little… how do I put this, ummm… I felt a little ‘committed’ to him. Like I had to ‘like’ him, in spite of him not writing stuff good enough anymore, just because I had immensely liked his first book. Yeah, I am that kind of a person. I feel like I am cheating and being unfaithful to admit that someone I like, or used to like is not so great anymore. But yeah, that is more or less how I felt. I used to try and find something good, something positive about his books. And I failed and failed.

And then came the final blow: 2 States.

I read that book and swore to never read another Chetan Bhagat book ever in my life. But I still didn’t hate him. He had, through his book, given me some precious moments, some unforgettable, funny, happy moments. And for that I was happy.

But I totally lost it at Crossword today.

I was an hour early for a show at E-Square. And with another book lover by my side, I stepped into Crossword to kill time till the show. I turned straight to the fiction section and browsed through the different titles. I added a couple to my list of must-buys – a list that is never empty. At one time there were about 34 books in the list, and the least number of books to be in that list has been 5. I turned to the book lover with me – Mom – and observed her as she leafed through some of the Marathi titles. And then I turned to the rack that is near the billing counter at any Crossword store – I am not sure if it is one of New Arrivals, or of Recent Best Sellers. But I turned towards it. And I wished I hadn’t.

Out of about 42 books arranged six in a row in total seven rows, roughly 30 books were of the kind that I call ‘the Chetan Bhagat genre’ – one average student, smitten by one ravishing (or maybe not so ravishing, if the author is trying to be different) girl, stuck in a college he doesn’t like, with professors who hate him, and then there is the lowest low, and then something happens and everything is eventually alright. Invariably there is a hostel involved, so it has to be an IIM or IIT where the story is based. Then there are the parents with high expectations, the topper who is waved in the face as an example at every possible chance, and our rebel who always scores less and has friends who make him feel less guilty – more often than not by throwing a booze party.

Just looking at the shelves made me sick.

Oops I Fell In Love.

The Lost Scarps Of Love.

Heartbeats And Dreams.

Crazy Bloody Thing Love.

The Equation Of My Love.

The Kiss In The Rain.

She Broke Up I Didn’t.

Everything You Desire.

Jab Se You Have Loved Me.

The Journey To Nowhere.

(The last one had a tag line even, which went – ‘unfortunately a true love story of a medical’.)

I almost puked.

Lemme get a few things straight though, before I move on.

I have been in love and out of it. And yeah, it makes you happy to be in love and be loved, and yes it hurts like hell to come out of it. I have no intention of ridiculing young love, or the problems youth faces today, or the stress that the education system puts on them – no. I know what it feels like when you and your problems are not taken seriously. It sucks. Big time. There is no better phrase I could use.

But that does not mean that if one person gets up and writes a book about all this everyone should follow and jump into the well as well…! Not everyone can do it! In fact even the guy who started it all can’t do it that well anymore, I think.

I really do not like what is becoming of the Indian Fiction Writing scenario – all these wanna-be Chetan Bhagats sprouting out of nowhere like mushrooms in the rain and coming up with utter rubbish that is not even remotely enjoyable. Find your own thread people! Choose your own subjects, make your own cocktail! Explore other things in life! It is not that the youth wants to read about only this. For the mere lack of better stuff to read, we sometimes have to pick up books we wouldn’t even give a second thought too. These people write one book, become a one-time wonder (in fact I am not even sure if I should call them a ‘wonder’ at all) and then fade away like they never existed. I mean seriously, do we even call them writers? Ruskin Bond and many other authors wrote simple stuff too, about everyday people and places and situations. But they were never boring! And not in the least stereotypical! And they did NOT all write the same kind of stuff over and over again.

There are so many issues out there that need the attention of the common people. And by this I do not mean grave things like child labour or sexual harassment or drug addiction or students suicide or girl infanticide. Even simple, less burdening stuff, like lack of interest in theatre among the youth, changing cultural tendencies, fashion trends that make no sense really but are spreading like wild fire, the types and kinds of movies that are made these days, where is the music industry headed to, what is becoming to good journalism, why has the media become the way it has, why do more and more people break traffic rules these days, how you can make a difference in keeping our city greener.

I think writers have a responsibility towards society. But if you look at it more as an opportunity, it won’t burden you. Every writer has the opportunity to affect a change, to create a revolution, to start a movement, to set a trend. Every writer has the potential and the tool in his hand to bring about inception of new ideas. Every writer has the voice that a thousand people will hear when they read his books – and in a world that is soon becoming overcrowded with everybody begging to be heard, and where mobile networks are always busy, that is quite something.

I call myself a free-thinker. I write stuff and put it up on my blog, and facebook. Yes at some point of time in life I want to be a published author, and I am trying to work little by little on my novel that I wrote a couple of years ago. I know how hard it is to get published and not be forgotten by your readers. But when I look at these mushrooms springing up in, I lose all hope and think I am a fool to spend so much time on improvising what I created a few years back. If writers – if at all one is to call them that – like these can get published, I don’t know why I am still posting stuff on my blog.

Please please realise the power you have people. You have a gift – of having your way around with words – that many people out there would give anything for; people with better ideas maybe, but no platform to express them to the aam janta. You have it. Use it wisely.

No I am not against pleasure reading/writing. But it doesn’t mean everyone writes an IITian’s story, or a love story, please! Whatever has happened to other genres? Thriller? Action? Sci-fi? Humour?

I see a wave of change coming in the Hindi Cinema. It is not so big, but it is soon catching up and more and more people are liking it. I hope and wish to see that change come in Indian Literature as well. I will really almost tear it apart if I see another title belonging to ‘the Chetan Bhagat genre’ next time I am at a bookstore, I swear I will! It really fills me with anger and disappointment to look at all these people who could become great writers even, maybe, writing such mediocre stories and books. And what angers me further is that everybody is actually reading these books! I once even met someone who said – I read Chetan Bhagat. Like he is Wordsworth, or Shakespeare, or R K Narayan even. I really honestly have nothing against Chetan Bhagat, seriously. I empty my book cupboard once in a while and pull out my old tattered copy of Five Point Someone and read it all over again, I really do! But not everyone can write another Five Point Someone. And more than that, the point I am trying to make is – STOP trying to. There is a lot more in you that you must explore! And who knows, if you try really hard, you’ll be even better than Chetan Bhagat ever was or will be.

RUGBY VS. ARCHITECTURE

I do not like to start the day with a debate or an argument usually; but today turned out to be different.

As I sat at our dining table having breakfast, mother came and announced –

‘Do you know? Shambhavi has decided to quit rugby.’

‘What? Why?’ I asked, clearly not able to think of one sane reason why a girl in the Potentials list of International Rugby Team would want to quit suddenly; right when she was at the foothill of what could be her pinnacle.

‘She is not able to manage her studies and rugby both.’

Sigh. The age old discussion or career versus sports.

I got into quite an argument with my mother over it – which in retrospect I shouldn’t have, given that Shambhavi is neither my daughter, nor my sister, neither my best friend. She happens to be one of my schoolmates kid sister. But this is an issue very close to my heart.

Even as we have stepped into the 21st century, some thoughts, concepts and beliefs have gripped us so hard – or rather we have held onto them so firmly – that we just can’t seem to be able to dispense them.

Even today a parent is not able to convince her daughter that one can make a career in rugby too – or the parent very conveniently ‘leaves the decision upto’ the child.

Has the daughter really chosen to give up rugby because she can’t cope with studies and rugby together? And maybe she genuinely can’t cope with the two things. But would she have chosen to give up ‘rugby’ if she knew the option of making a ‘career’ in it was open/available, or that her mother would be ok with it?

And we are not talking about any random girl here. We are talking about someone who has dedicated a significant amount of her life to a sport she dearly loves, has crossed every hurdle and passed every level of selection, who has given up movies and get-togethers and maybe even a part of her social life, a boy-friend even, just so that she be able to give rugby time. We are talking here of a girl who has exceled to such a level that she is now part of the Potentials list for the International Rugby Team – a chance to represent a nation’s people for the sport she so dearly loves.

Does one give so much time and energy to something one even has the slightest idea of not being able to pursue further? I don’t think so. Every five years can now be regarded as a generation. And these newer generations are way more liberal, straight forward and free-thinking than we can imagine. Maybe few years ago this would have seemed a ridiculous idea – first the fact that it’s a ‘girl’ we are talking about, and then the fact that it is ‘sports’ we are talking about. But kids today know what they want - from making a career in dance, to becoming a free-lance self-taught photographer, to choosing to study Sports Management in the States.

But just so that their parents are happy, or just so that they don’t have to deal with too much of unnecessary debate, discussion and maybe even quarrels at the end of the day on the dining table, they will chose to travel on the same old road.

I am not trying to say that everyone should go for just exactly what their heart desires, without looking at the practicalities. But definitely a girl of the potential of Shambhavi should not be wasted in a classroom, with 60 other heads to accompany her, learning how to build buildings. No.

I think it is time we revise our concepts about ‘good career’ and ‘bad career’. Had Shambhavi known she could pursue rugby in place of architecture, maybe she would have. Yes we do need to think about money too – and there is nothing wrong in it. There is absolutely nothing wrong in ensuring you are going to be able to fill your stomach and still have cash to buy that beautiful diamond set or that amazing gizmo you saw on your way back home from college or work. But then rugby pays too! Probably more than architecture even! Then why not choose to do the work you love rather than making yourself love the work you do?

Shambhavi has still not taken her final decision… but something tells me she is going to end up quitting rugby. What the poor girl needs right now is just a bit of moral support from her parent and relatives. I know it somehow, just as I know she is going to end up quitting rugby, that she doesn’t really ‘want to’ quit… and till the day she finally decides, I will keep hoping she doesn’t.

WAKE-UP CALL

Fresh beginnings.

Brand new starts.

Sound so tempting, don’t they?

But are they possible in a place you have spent the last four years in?

I discovered the answer to that today – YES.

Cos the change is not in the place, its buildings, its furniture, the people inhabiting it, the new faces that have invaded it or the old ones that have faded away.

It is not about the people who now suddenly seem too far away.

It is not about the change of attitude of your friends or peers or colleagues or subordinates or seniors; or a lack thereof.

It is never about ‘the without’.

It is always about ‘the within’.

And change ‘within’ can stem from anything and nothing.

A book.

A break-up.

A friend turned foe.

Discovering anew that you don’t really hate that cousin anymore.

Realizing that you are living without something or someone – forget whether you could, should or would.

Doing away with your prejudices – even if only to replace them with new ones.

Or just getting off the wrong side of the bed someday.

Change comes to you when you are ready for it. It won’t before that – no matter how hard you try or struggle. And it won’t fail to when it should – no matter where destiny puts you.

It is nice to know that the opinion of each and every person around you doesn’t really matter or bother you anymore. It is a relief to do away with peoples’ expectations from you – especially people who you had raised and put up on a pedestal. It is never too late to come to realize who really matters in life, who shouldn’t and who never was a part of your world at all.

If you don’t love yourself, who will? How can you even expect someone else to love you when everyday you torture yourself, worry yourself sick about what unnecessary people think about you, give unfair importance to things that are not even sure to be with you in the next moment, burden yourself beyond capacity and reason with your own concepts of right and wrong, worthy and unworthy?

Everybody wakes up to that moment at some point of time, when they realize who’s in, who’s out, what’s more important than what and who they really want to be. What one should do is not shut their eyes and pretend to be asleep when one does truly wake up.

THE LEAP OF FAITH

Today was the third time that I heard the same thing coming from three different friends of mine who'd been through three different situations recently -

I don't let dependency on anyone grow too much.

I smiled. Sometimes thats all that you can do - smile.

I have let dependency on people take its toll on me. I of all people have every reason NOT to let it grow in me.

But even then I really feel for these friends of mine. These cautious friends of mine - with all due respect to them and whatever it is they had to go through to arrive at that conclusion/decision - are NEVER going to know what it is like to totally surrender yourself to someone, something, anything... a situation, a lover, a time, a habit, an enemy, a feeling... for it is not only people we are dependent on. They will probably never know what it is like to put yourself in someone else's hands and then just close your eyes and wait for whatever it is they are going to do with you - toss you out, raise your to their lips and kiss you, or keep you like a rose in a diary... treasured but out of sight.

It takes strength - a lot of it too - to do something like that... to let someone control you completely, even if for a moment... to know that no matter how cautious we are, we are never going to be cautious enough for LIFE... never prepared enough for death - of people, of relationships... we plan and construct and design and strategise for a tomorrow that we do not even know is going to be there. And we still think we've got it all figured out, we've got the answers, the keys, the secrets; so sure we have it all...

Its like the leap of faith in dance... you could never have practiced it enough to be sure your partner is going to be able to catch you when your feet leave the ground. But you still do it, hoping he will... and thats how we are all living life... breathing out every moment, though we are not sure if we are going to be able to breathe in again the next moment...

ON SMOKING, CONNOTATIONS AND BEING AT PEACE WITH YOUR ISSUES

I had a wonderful evening with one of my childhood friends last evening. It is amazing how you just tend to bond with some people and how some people, the mere sight of, can repel you so strongly. We’d placed our orders and come and sat at our table when she asked me –

‘Do you mind if I smoke?’

And I almost instantly said – ‘Not at all.’

She may have been quite surprised with my response, because she soon told me of a number of incidents when the same question had evoked a string of unpleasant feelings in the person who she had asked the question to. But I was only partly listening to what she was saying; rather than her, it was me who was quite surprised. Until yesterday, or rather up until that moment, I had big issues about smoking and smokers and people who smoke in public. But I still said ‘Not at all’. I don’t know why. I honestly don’t.

What I do know however is that something changed in that moment. I don’t know what or how or why, and I don’t want to delve into it either. But today when I think of it, I am more at peace with my issues.

A lot of times people don’t really let themselves react to a situation, or other people around them, as individuals. People always relate everything to something in the past – an incident, an accident, an upbringing, it could be any of these and a number of other things. Connotations. I’m not saying I don’t – I do it too sometimes. And up until yesterday I had never given it a thought. Just as my friend took the first puff (I’m not even sure if that is the right word/phrase – I am completely alien to smoking) a couple of heads turned, even subtly, to look at this attractive female, who was smoking at a coffee shop. I can sort of comprehend what must have been going through the minds of those people. Some just glanced at our table and went back to what they were doing the next instance. Some kept staring till it was embarrassing. And some even stared at me – with eyes that said ‘Eew-how-gross-get-up-leave-do-something-stop-her-girls-today-the-friends-you-keep’ and the like.

But I was so much at peace with my qualms – it was as if they had never existed. Yeah my friend is a girl and she smokes. So? That doesn’t make her any less likable, or friendly, or fun to be with, or talented, or attractive, or honest, and scores of other things. And even if it does for some, I would like to ask – is it really because she smokes? Or because the things that smoking implies? Things like she is available, loose, cheap, a speed-dater? Who associated all these tings with smoking? And forget about who and why – do you really believe in all that? Have you ever given yourself a chance to think, question what you really believe?

It is the same with smoking, as it is with a number of other things – girls who always hang out with guys, girls who drink, girls who live in hostels. It is a crazy thing, this whole connotations business. Not that I am defending my friend, but if I were to say anything in her defense at all, I would say that – smoking, like eating with your hands even at a restaurant, or wearing only black, or washing your feet every night before going to bed, or biting your nails, or being obsessed about your hair looking perfect, is just a habit. And it implies nothing. Nothing at all. Period. Yes I would like it if she quit – it is not a healthy habit. But in the meantime, I am not going to let the connotations associated with smoking worry me about whether I should hang out with my friend, and allow her to smoke in my company or not. I have known other people who smoke. Hell, I even once got up and walked right out of the same coffee shop because the guy I was with – meeting for the first time in fact, if you must know – just pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it and started smoking, right in my face. Without even asking me if I was ok with it, or if I had health issues, or anything. My friend was at least decent enough to smoke away from the table and not right into my face! And as luck would have it, she had a pack of the same brand my dad used to smoke…! Funny coincidences.

In the end it is all about how you carry yourself, how you project yourself, where you draw the line, and how honest you are to yourself. Cos at the end of the day, it is not the society that you live with – it is yourself. Nothing we do – and that includes smoking in public – or don’t do, should be because of the connotations it implies. Cos that is a sure way to hell. What matters is your peace with yourself and who you are – your peace with the good and the bad in you. Parents, relatives, friends, neighbours, acquaintances, society come later – come after yourself. Give it whatever name you want to – conscience, sense of right and wrong, your soul – I like to call it ‘you’. You live, eat, drink, travel, and go to movies, smoke, with yourself first. And what matters is your peace with your own company. At first it seems/sounds strange – your own company? What the hell has that got to mean? But sit on it for a while, and it makes perfect sense. At least it did to me. And I hope it will to you.

THE WEDDING

Riddhima looked around at the people sitting in the drawing room and stifled a yawn. The clock struck twelve-thirty. It was pitch black outside.

‘Well, we certainly can’t do anything. At least till Dada is back,’ her father said, and everybody else in the room nodded in agreement.

‘But how are we going to break the news to them when they do get back?’ her mother said.

‘Parvati calm down,’ Riddhima’s grandfather said. He turned to look at his younger son. ‘When is Nikhil supposed to be back?’

‘Dada is coming back tomorrow Baba,’ Rohan answered his father. ‘He will be here by seven in the morning. Mala tar Wahinichich kalji wattiye,’ he said. I’m more worried about Wahini.

‘Don’t worry about them,’ Baba replied. ‘You take Parvati and Baby back to your room, and all of you get some sleep. We are going to have a long day tomorrow.’

Riddhima tore her eyes open as she heard Baba mention her. She got up as her father took her mother’s hand and walked to her. She held his hand and the trio walked back to their room.





Rohan lay in his bed, looking out of the window, a thousand thoughts crowding his mind…

“... this shouldn’t have happened. But then, who can stop the inevitable?... Dada-la itkyanda bolun pan... (Even after telling Dada so many times)... kids become rebellious. And then Melody wasn’t a bad girl. And Parth and Melody were both mature, and they were adults by law. Had Dada treated the issue with just a little bit of more sensitivity, maybe Parth wouldn’t have eloped with the girl...”





Baba looked at his son, his daughter-in-law and his grand-daughter as they walked back to their room. He heaved a sigh. He took his specs off.

“Why did you do it Parth? Couldn’t you come and speak to your Baba at least, before doing something like this? Have I not supported you, and helped you out of situations, and reasoned with you when I thought you were wrong? Did I ever force anything on you? Did I not help you solve things between you and your father?... Yes. Most certainly what you have done today is wrong... but at the same time, I guess I have no right to say this either... hadn’t I done quite the same thing as a young man? I can’t condemn you... but I had no ‘Baba’ to stand by me. You had one... why didn’t you trust me? Or anyone of us for that matter? I believe we have failed as a family... for you found it easier to confess into your friends and take them into your confidence than us... I guess we have failed... Yes. But still... you shouldn’t have done this Parth...”





Riddhima tip-toed out of her room and peeped into her parents’ room. They were fast asleep. She tip-toed back to her room and shut the door. She turned the light over her study-table on and took her diary out of its drawer and started writing.

“God! Eeeee! I don’t believe this. I so can’t believe this! Is it really happening? I like Melody... she is such a nice girl! And you two look so good together! But Kaka is going to be mad at you... really mad. You have any idea what you have gotten yourself into Bhaiyya? Its like, a part of me is very very happy for you. But a part of me is very worried too. I mean... surely there had to be some other way! Maybe you could have convinced Kaka. We could have worked out something... anything! There had to be a way! But God! This is so romantic! Just like QSQT! And as much as I hate you for leaving like that and not telling me and involving me in the planning, I am happy for you... I pray you will survive and make it through... and well, I received the pre-paid card you had kept for me in the drawer of your study. I will keep it on for an hour every night. But I hope this is not yet another of your jokes, and that you will really call me one of these days...”





Parth put an arm around Melody. She was fast asleep, with her head on his shoulder. He looked at her, looked down at her tear stained face, and an ever-so-small smile danced on his lips, even as his eyes filled with tears. He looked out of the door and saw the fast-receding railway tracks in the moonlight, running parallel to the track their train was on. His mind went back in time and a small voice in his head read-out to him the letter he had read and re-read several times before leaving it in his parents’ room, on their bed.

“... I don’t know if I have done the right thing Papa. But doing it felt right enough. I know you want the very best for your son Papa and that you would have had me marry a nice girl from a good family. But I love Melody. I know she is not going to live for more than a year, and I know I am going to be alone after she dies. But just think about Melody. If I had abandoned her, she would have crashed. And so would have I. I didn’t choose to elope Papa. The choice I made was to be with her and be happy for a short time, over abandoning her and being unhappy for the rest of my life. I know you may perhaps never understand my decision; that you will find it unreasonable that I waste my life for a happiness that is so short-lived. But sometimes you have to do things in life. There is no reason; you just have to do them. Melody is my Fate, and I want to take my chances. If you have ever loved anyone from the bottom of your heart you will someday understand me..."