Seldom has it ever happened that some random quote I shared as a status on Facebook actually turned out to be true, so that when it happened today morning, I was quite bemused!
I had lend my copy of Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love to a friend of mine, more than a year ago. She happened to return it to me yesterday. The sight of that book in my hand after all these years kind of reminded me how much I liked it. I flipped through the pages of the book, stopping at random passages... Dario and Giovanni, Richard from Texas, finally Felipe arrived, and I smiled at the sight of his name of those yellowed pages of the book. Felipe. Yes I remembered that character well.
I gave up leafing and read through the rest of the book thoroughly. One of the sentences stayed with me -
"It is only the young and stupid who are sure about sex and love. Do you think any of us know what were doing?"
It stayed with me through the book. It stayed with me through dinner. It went to bed with me. When that happens, I usually get up, grab my cell phone in the dark (as I am too lazy to actually get off the bed and turn on the lights), and update the status message on my Facebook profile with whatever it is that has so obstinately stayed with me. And that is what I did last night...
I got up in the morning to go to work today. I had forgotten about the status update (as I had spent almost an hour and half talking to my friend after that, and the conversation was playing on in my mind). But on my way to work, I happened to pass by a local college. I saw this really young couple - 11th or 12th grade boy and girl. I am guessing I am not the only one - but I have this uncanny knack. One look at a boy and a girl, and i immediately know if they are just friends, lovers, or siblings. I just do! So the moment I saw these guys, I knew they were a couple. The boy was really good-looking. The girl quite ordinary. They were sitting on a parked two-wheeler, and I could tell it was a spanking new one. What happened within the next few seconds was this - the guy pulled out his cell phone, took the girl's arm and wrapped it around himself and clicked a self-portrait. Just as I passed them I heard the girl say "trouble" and the guy say "but we love". The girl had gone crimson in her cheeks and was mock hitting the guy.
The sight somehow made me smile... it reminded me of a time when I was their age. I was so sure about sex and love too! Just like that guy was sure that because he loved the girl, they were permitted to click a picture together. Our equations, fundas, concepts are so clear when we are young, isn't it? I remember myself from when I was their age... I thought I knew what love is, what marriage is, what a relationship is, what I want my guy to be; in fact, I didn't think I knew, I knew that I knew! I was so sure!
But you grow up, and all hell breaks loose. This whole thing we call 'experience' - it doesn't always do you good, does it? I don't think so. I mean, what good have a couple of heartbreaks done to me? Yeah, you will say "They have made you stronger", and all that bull. But what good is it to become as strong as a stone?
Sometimes it becomes difficult to keep faith. It becomes difficult to wait. Sometimes all you want is for time to freeze, so that you don't race into another heartbreak, so that you don't collide head-on into another disillusionment. And it need not necessarily be a happy time you want to freeze. Sometimes you are content with it just being neutral. Just no more 'happenings'... that's all. Is that too much to ask?
In the end the filter should be in our hands - which experiences we want to keep with us and take with us to the grave, and which ones we want to pass as 'bad teachers'... after all not every teacher we meet in life is a good one, for there sure is a great deal of difference between a knowledgeable person and a good teacher! Filter. That's all.
Showing posts with label Ranting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ranting. Show all posts
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Saturday, September 4, 2010
MOMENT OF CLARITY
I see so many people around me everyday, always waiting for something – waiting for the lecture to get over, waiting for the person in front of you in the que to finish his transaction, waiting for the traffic-light to turn green, waiting for your turn at the hair-dresser, waiting for the answer that’s gonna change your life, waiting for someone to come around, waiting for the hour to pass… its like our happiness is just out there, in sight. You can see it clearly, in all detail. But you are waiting to reach it; or for it to reach out to you.
Sounds familiar?
So what makes us wait for something in sight but out of reach?
What makes us stop from going after and getting what we want?
I am waiting for my life to change – yeah, pretty big huh? I am waiting to complete my post graduation so that I can pursue something I have been wanting to do all my life – or all along my life so far. But more importantly, I am waiting for that one moment that I am hoping will come in my life soon, when I will know who and what I want to be, what I want to make with my life and my time and my talent and brains – just like I always knew I wanted to study biology in college.
Sometimes you just know things are going to happen.
This relationship’s not going to work.
You’re going to be disappointed by the one person you held so highly.
You are going to get that one chance you were looking for to prove your worth.
You are going to win that competition you have been waiting to participate in.
This is the last time that you are going to see your grandfather.
This is a person who is going to come to mean a lot to you.
It’s like sometimes you can feel something taking control of situations, people around you and turning things about. You feel a presence. You feel it unmistakably, and stronger than you’ve felt anything in your life before.
You look at a house and know it’s the one for you, even if it is ridiculously expensive, or far away from your work place maybe.
You go to buy a puppy, and you just know which one you are going to pick.
We go around blindly through each day, get up, get dressed, have breakfast, work, come home in the evening, have dinner, have a beer maybe, watch TV, maybe call a friend and greet them for their birthday, go to bed, read something for a while, sleep. And the cycle repeats. We have opinions about people around us, about a fashion trend, about a movie star, about a song, about political issues, about the stock market – what is your opinion about yourself? How much do we know ourselves?
We are all living each day of life as it comes; but in reality I think we are all at some level waiting for that one moment that’s going to change that one thing about you or your life that you really badly want to change; or for that one moment when you will know what it is you can do to bring about that change. We all live for that one moment of clarity. It may come to us while we are working in our garden, or when the wind hits your face next time you step out of your house, or when you are playing with your niece. It may come to us quite unexpectedly, or after a great deal of waiting – one, maybe even two years, or much longer even. But there is that moment of clarity that comes in everyone’s life. It is unmistakable, inescapable if it is meant to change you. But more than that, it is something that you cannot miss if you don’t want to let it pass by unnoticed.
I am on the lookout of mine – and I am all armed and as ready as I can be! And I hope you will find yours too.
Sounds familiar?
So what makes us wait for something in sight but out of reach?
What makes us stop from going after and getting what we want?
I am waiting for my life to change – yeah, pretty big huh? I am waiting to complete my post graduation so that I can pursue something I have been wanting to do all my life – or all along my life so far. But more importantly, I am waiting for that one moment that I am hoping will come in my life soon, when I will know who and what I want to be, what I want to make with my life and my time and my talent and brains – just like I always knew I wanted to study biology in college.
Sometimes you just know things are going to happen.
This relationship’s not going to work.
You’re going to be disappointed by the one person you held so highly.
You are going to get that one chance you were looking for to prove your worth.
You are going to win that competition you have been waiting to participate in.
This is the last time that you are going to see your grandfather.
This is a person who is going to come to mean a lot to you.
It’s like sometimes you can feel something taking control of situations, people around you and turning things about. You feel a presence. You feel it unmistakably, and stronger than you’ve felt anything in your life before.
You look at a house and know it’s the one for you, even if it is ridiculously expensive, or far away from your work place maybe.
You go to buy a puppy, and you just know which one you are going to pick.
We go around blindly through each day, get up, get dressed, have breakfast, work, come home in the evening, have dinner, have a beer maybe, watch TV, maybe call a friend and greet them for their birthday, go to bed, read something for a while, sleep. And the cycle repeats. We have opinions about people around us, about a fashion trend, about a movie star, about a song, about political issues, about the stock market – what is your opinion about yourself? How much do we know ourselves?
We are all living each day of life as it comes; but in reality I think we are all at some level waiting for that one moment that’s going to change that one thing about you or your life that you really badly want to change; or for that one moment when you will know what it is you can do to bring about that change. We all live for that one moment of clarity. It may come to us while we are working in our garden, or when the wind hits your face next time you step out of your house, or when you are playing with your niece. It may come to us quite unexpectedly, or after a great deal of waiting – one, maybe even two years, or much longer even. But there is that moment of clarity that comes in everyone’s life. It is unmistakable, inescapable if it is meant to change you. But more than that, it is something that you cannot miss if you don’t want to let it pass by unnoticed.
I am on the lookout of mine – and I am all armed and as ready as I can be! And I hope you will find yours too.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
TO EACH HIS OWN
They say adhyatma, philosophy, spirituality is not everybody’s cup of tea, and that such knowledge comes to you only when you are ready for it, no matter how sincere your efforts, or how long your search.
I always find it amusing – how all these things work. All of us are in fact exposed to spiritual teachings ever since we are kids, but we are somehow not aware of them. Do good and forget. Tit for tat. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Karma kar, phal ki asha na kar. Only that we never look at them like that.
But what really amuses me is the way destiny works at large scale – at the level of masses and people of a country, or inhabitants of a city or state, or staff of companies. What is amusing to me is how destiny works during natural disasters, during plane-crashes. We are talking here of hundreds and thousands of people who all happened to be at a particular place and at a particular time. What is it that brought exactly these and no other people there?
Someone may have chosen to fill in for someone at office when the Twin Towers were blasted.
Someone may have dropped out of a family trip that ended up on the beach right when the tsunami hit the beach.
Someone may have missed a flight that went on to end up in a plane-crash.
Just how does destiny work in such situations?
Were all the people who suffered anything during such incidents due with their share of this life?
Or is it exactly that that they were destined for – to have witnessed an accident like that?
We all talk about karma and bhog, and destiny, and how we are constantly bound in the birth and death and rebirth cycle. But things like narrowly escaping a car-accident, or joining a company just weeks before it is going to be dissolved or taken over by some other, or even good things, like an exam getting cancelled right when you thought you were unprepared for it – maybe not the last one, but all the others are life-changing experiences. It takes only a moment to lose your faith, your confidence, all the money you ever earned in your life, or even all the respect – and also only a moment to get it all back sometimes. Moments can make and break people, relationships, and history.
And to think of it, all this is a big chain reaction, a catapult, a cumulative effect. Everything connected to every other thing, all fine-tuned and never without a reason.
I have now turned to writing again, after a long gap, and when I look back at how my past year has been, it is amazing to know how every minute thing has played its role in bringing me to the point in life where I am right now – where I am thinking of taking up my writing more seriously and doing something about it. I was trying to get into some universities abroad for my Masters, but it didn’t work out for the silliest of reasons, then I didn’t get through at my second and third and fourth options, and finally had to settle for my last option. Then an entire year full of misunderstandings and miscommunications, fights, quarrels, discussions, consoling and counselling (more the latter than the former), then the ultra-depression mode, all that negativity around me… so many relations broken, so many friends lost, being failed and betrayed by so many people… and then emerging out of all this; like in the tail of the ugly duckling… emerging scratched and bruised, yes, but with better understanding of myself and of the people around me, of how the world is… then a chance tarot card session with my sister-in-law, a suggestion slipped in by her casually, (write about all this, let it come out of your system, in some form; why writing, cos you are good at it) and here I am, blogging all over again, writing all over again, happy all over again, but consciously aware of how deep the rabbit hole can go. One of my friends who is into palmistry and can also read faces said to me the other day – ‘You are soon going to change what you are doing in life now, and what you then become is going to be the best thing for you. It will change your life, and bring you name and fame.’ I don’t know about the latter, but yes, I have been thinking again about what it is that I want to do in life.
I used to worry myself sick as to why I couldn’t get into those universities abroad, and how come I could have made stupid silly mistakes and what went wrong. It is like, I could feel something was slipping out of my hands; like something had gone horribly wrong, just that I didn’t know what and why. And now when I look back at everything, I am glad I am not outside my country right now, stuck with lab-work in some university, for yes, that is how I feel about it now – I feel like it is a task, a job. I don’t enjoy it anymore… at least not as much as I used to before. And who knows, if this is what I am destined to be – a writer rather than a research person – then it makes perfect sense how everything went wrong and made me take up my last option, how all those people turned, how situations became the way they did. For each of these things has played a role no matter how small or how big, in making me think again.
It is one thing to have the capability or capacity to do something, and another to have the urge to do it. I can become an excellent lawyer. My father says I have all the makings of one – I have ‘all it takes’, in his words. That however, does NOT mean I take up law!
Yes I am someone who is seven out of ten times sure of what she wants. But that also means that when I want to change, I want to change. And people should accept that change just as they accept my decisions. Period.
But wait, I am drifting away from the topic!
Point is – everything happens for a reason. You get exactly that in life which you are destined for, and most of the times, it is what you deserve. In fact, it is almost always what you deserve, only we are not able to make out two plus two is four always. We have our grip so tight on the one ‘two’ in our hand that we fail to see the other ‘two’, which may well be lying right under your nose! We are delivered with exactly that what is meant for us – to each his own. Our share of this life is fixed, and who serves it to us, who become the instrument to deliver us, is fixed too. If I am to be betrayed by my most trustworthy friend, then that is what will happen. Only that will probably put me through a phase that will really change me into something that I ought to be. Just an acquaintance betraying me is not going to have the same effect, and so it won’t happen.
Why we act in a certain way in certain situations may not always be in our grasp. But nothing is without reason. Even co-incidence is nothing but merely the co-occurrence of two incidents…! It is rather fascinating to even try and understand how things take their natural course – for that is exactly what they do… take their natural course! So then what’s in our hands? To do good and forget. Maybe good things don’t always happen to good people – again a matter of destiny – but good always does beget good, and nothing bad will happen to you for a good deed you do.
I always find it amusing – how all these things work. All of us are in fact exposed to spiritual teachings ever since we are kids, but we are somehow not aware of them. Do good and forget. Tit for tat. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Karma kar, phal ki asha na kar. Only that we never look at them like that.
But what really amuses me is the way destiny works at large scale – at the level of masses and people of a country, or inhabitants of a city or state, or staff of companies. What is amusing to me is how destiny works during natural disasters, during plane-crashes. We are talking here of hundreds and thousands of people who all happened to be at a particular place and at a particular time. What is it that brought exactly these and no other people there?
Someone may have chosen to fill in for someone at office when the Twin Towers were blasted.
Someone may have dropped out of a family trip that ended up on the beach right when the tsunami hit the beach.
Someone may have missed a flight that went on to end up in a plane-crash.
Just how does destiny work in such situations?
Were all the people who suffered anything during such incidents due with their share of this life?
Or is it exactly that that they were destined for – to have witnessed an accident like that?
We all talk about karma and bhog, and destiny, and how we are constantly bound in the birth and death and rebirth cycle. But things like narrowly escaping a car-accident, or joining a company just weeks before it is going to be dissolved or taken over by some other, or even good things, like an exam getting cancelled right when you thought you were unprepared for it – maybe not the last one, but all the others are life-changing experiences. It takes only a moment to lose your faith, your confidence, all the money you ever earned in your life, or even all the respect – and also only a moment to get it all back sometimes. Moments can make and break people, relationships, and history.
And to think of it, all this is a big chain reaction, a catapult, a cumulative effect. Everything connected to every other thing, all fine-tuned and never without a reason.
I have now turned to writing again, after a long gap, and when I look back at how my past year has been, it is amazing to know how every minute thing has played its role in bringing me to the point in life where I am right now – where I am thinking of taking up my writing more seriously and doing something about it. I was trying to get into some universities abroad for my Masters, but it didn’t work out for the silliest of reasons, then I didn’t get through at my second and third and fourth options, and finally had to settle for my last option. Then an entire year full of misunderstandings and miscommunications, fights, quarrels, discussions, consoling and counselling (more the latter than the former), then the ultra-depression mode, all that negativity around me… so many relations broken, so many friends lost, being failed and betrayed by so many people… and then emerging out of all this; like in the tail of the ugly duckling… emerging scratched and bruised, yes, but with better understanding of myself and of the people around me, of how the world is… then a chance tarot card session with my sister-in-law, a suggestion slipped in by her casually, (write about all this, let it come out of your system, in some form; why writing, cos you are good at it) and here I am, blogging all over again, writing all over again, happy all over again, but consciously aware of how deep the rabbit hole can go. One of my friends who is into palmistry and can also read faces said to me the other day – ‘You are soon going to change what you are doing in life now, and what you then become is going to be the best thing for you. It will change your life, and bring you name and fame.’ I don’t know about the latter, but yes, I have been thinking again about what it is that I want to do in life.
I used to worry myself sick as to why I couldn’t get into those universities abroad, and how come I could have made stupid silly mistakes and what went wrong. It is like, I could feel something was slipping out of my hands; like something had gone horribly wrong, just that I didn’t know what and why. And now when I look back at everything, I am glad I am not outside my country right now, stuck with lab-work in some university, for yes, that is how I feel about it now – I feel like it is a task, a job. I don’t enjoy it anymore… at least not as much as I used to before. And who knows, if this is what I am destined to be – a writer rather than a research person – then it makes perfect sense how everything went wrong and made me take up my last option, how all those people turned, how situations became the way they did. For each of these things has played a role no matter how small or how big, in making me think again.
It is one thing to have the capability or capacity to do something, and another to have the urge to do it. I can become an excellent lawyer. My father says I have all the makings of one – I have ‘all it takes’, in his words. That however, does NOT mean I take up law!
Yes I am someone who is seven out of ten times sure of what she wants. But that also means that when I want to change, I want to change. And people should accept that change just as they accept my decisions. Period.
But wait, I am drifting away from the topic!
Point is – everything happens for a reason. You get exactly that in life which you are destined for, and most of the times, it is what you deserve. In fact, it is almost always what you deserve, only we are not able to make out two plus two is four always. We have our grip so tight on the one ‘two’ in our hand that we fail to see the other ‘two’, which may well be lying right under your nose! We are delivered with exactly that what is meant for us – to each his own. Our share of this life is fixed, and who serves it to us, who become the instrument to deliver us, is fixed too. If I am to be betrayed by my most trustworthy friend, then that is what will happen. Only that will probably put me through a phase that will really change me into something that I ought to be. Just an acquaintance betraying me is not going to have the same effect, and so it won’t happen.
Why we act in a certain way in certain situations may not always be in our grasp. But nothing is without reason. Even co-incidence is nothing but merely the co-occurrence of two incidents…! It is rather fascinating to even try and understand how things take their natural course – for that is exactly what they do… take their natural course! So then what’s in our hands? To do good and forget. Maybe good things don’t always happen to good people – again a matter of destiny – but good always does beget good, and nothing bad will happen to you for a good deed you do.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
ESSENCE OF EX-ES
‘so…’
‘no Sojwala is not here…’
‘oh come on…’
‘no yar… we just got back na… I don’t want to go anywhere now…’
‘ok the beer’s getting to you…’
‘come on!’
‘what come on! You were the one who said you don’t want to go anywhere!’
‘I know, m just sayin we’ll go chat in my room… mom, dad, bro are not used to this kinda stuff…’
‘why they never had a best friend?’
‘maybe they did. I dunno… we never talked…’
‘my god! How have you been managing to keep mum past 20 years!’
‘it wouldn’t be so difficult for anyone you know, if they had my family.’
‘oh well, to each his own…’
‘her own, you mean…’
‘are you sure? Why does it have to be ‘his’ or ‘her’ all the time?’
‘yeah like we don’t know ‘they’ exist too…’
‘god is the beer getting the better of us or what…’
‘how would god know?’
‘god knows…’
‘no he doesn’t! he wasn’t there lifting up his glass n saying cheers to us!’
‘oh he was… didn’t you see mutthu?’
‘oh mutthu darling… don’t you remind me of that devil…’
‘and his devilicious smile…’
‘MUTTHU! MARRY ME!’
‘oh he might just say yes…’
‘is he single?’
‘oh yes…’
‘you bitch! Why didn’t you tell me before?’
‘cos then you’d go be the bitch right there and then!’
‘n what is wrong with that?’
‘nothing really…’
‘give me your mobile.’
‘I don’t have his number…’
‘n you call yourself my best friend! You can’t even hook me up!’
‘whatever…’
‘god… I can’t stop thinking of him…’
‘hmm I can’t stop thinking of him too…’
‘lay off woman! He is mine…’
‘sure…’
‘oh by the way… give me the bill, we need to split it.’
‘gosh! The beer was on the house!’
‘now you are really drunk darling…’
‘you know…’
‘yeah I do.’
‘what?’
‘a lot of things…’
‘go on… tell me one…’
‘I know you are my best friend…’
(Kissing sound)
‘yeah… ever the bitches, aren’t we…’
(Laughter)
‘you know, I know something too…’
‘what?’
‘we’re drunk and talking shit.’
‘oh no we are not!’
‘come on! Of course we are drunk!’
‘yeah we are, but we are not talking shit…’
‘prove it…’
‘well, sameer does really not love me… its true.’
(Silence)
‘and I don’t love him either.’
‘oh now you are talking shit.’
‘no.’
(Silence)
‘well good for you then…’
‘now you are talking shit. This isn’t good for me… its not. In fact it’s a total 100% complete the opposite of good for me.’
(Silence)
‘well you know… that is actually feeling good.’
‘what? Talking shit?’
‘no. accepting it.’
‘shit.’
‘what?’
‘you are losing the whole essence of our evening…’
‘what essence?’
‘getting drunk… talking shit about our ex-es…’
‘well we are, aren’t we?’
‘we are?’
‘yes.’
‘how? Enlighten me!’
‘aren’t they in deep shit that they’re our ‘ex-es’ already?’
(Laughter)
‘yeah…maybe you’re right.’
‘I’m always right!’
(More laughter… and ribaldry of course…)
‘no Sojwala is not here…’
‘oh come on…’
‘no yar… we just got back na… I don’t want to go anywhere now…’
‘ok the beer’s getting to you…’
‘come on!’
‘what come on! You were the one who said you don’t want to go anywhere!’
‘I know, m just sayin we’ll go chat in my room… mom, dad, bro are not used to this kinda stuff…’
‘why they never had a best friend?’
‘maybe they did. I dunno… we never talked…’
‘my god! How have you been managing to keep mum past 20 years!’
‘it wouldn’t be so difficult for anyone you know, if they had my family.’
‘oh well, to each his own…’
‘her own, you mean…’
‘are you sure? Why does it have to be ‘his’ or ‘her’ all the time?’
‘yeah like we don’t know ‘they’ exist too…’
‘god is the beer getting the better of us or what…’
‘how would god know?’
‘god knows…’
‘no he doesn’t! he wasn’t there lifting up his glass n saying cheers to us!’
‘oh he was… didn’t you see mutthu?’
‘oh mutthu darling… don’t you remind me of that devil…’
‘and his devilicious smile…’
‘MUTTHU! MARRY ME!’
‘oh he might just say yes…’
‘is he single?’
‘oh yes…’
‘you bitch! Why didn’t you tell me before?’
‘cos then you’d go be the bitch right there and then!’
‘n what is wrong with that?’
‘nothing really…’
‘give me your mobile.’
‘I don’t have his number…’
‘n you call yourself my best friend! You can’t even hook me up!’
‘whatever…’
‘god… I can’t stop thinking of him…’
‘hmm I can’t stop thinking of him too…’
‘lay off woman! He is mine…’
‘sure…’
‘oh by the way… give me the bill, we need to split it.’
‘gosh! The beer was on the house!’
‘now you are really drunk darling…’
‘you know…’
‘yeah I do.’
‘what?’
‘a lot of things…’
‘go on… tell me one…’
‘I know you are my best friend…’
(Kissing sound)
‘yeah… ever the bitches, aren’t we…’
(Laughter)
‘you know, I know something too…’
‘what?’
‘we’re drunk and talking shit.’
‘oh no we are not!’
‘come on! Of course we are drunk!’
‘yeah we are, but we are not talking shit…’
‘prove it…’
‘well, sameer does really not love me… its true.’
(Silence)
‘and I don’t love him either.’
‘oh now you are talking shit.’
‘no.’
(Silence)
‘well good for you then…’
‘now you are talking shit. This isn’t good for me… its not. In fact it’s a total 100% complete the opposite of good for me.’
(Silence)
‘well you know… that is actually feeling good.’
‘what? Talking shit?’
‘no. accepting it.’
‘shit.’
‘what?’
‘you are losing the whole essence of our evening…’
‘what essence?’
‘getting drunk… talking shit about our ex-es…’
‘well we are, aren’t we?’
‘we are?’
‘yes.’
‘how? Enlighten me!’
‘aren’t they in deep shit that they’re our ‘ex-es’ already?’
(Laughter)
‘yeah…maybe you’re right.’
‘I’m always right!’
(More laughter… and ribaldry of course…)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
LUCK BY CHANCE
Ever wondered why we just lose touch with some of the best people we meet, and yet stick to some others we don’t really want to...? Some people you just tend to not be able to get rid off, in spite of a thousand things that happened… and some people – they come in our lives for a short while, and then just disappear. And we never see them again…
Do you believe in karma? Fate? Destiny? Luck? I do… I think everything that happens in our life has at least a little to do with either or all of these things. At least the part about meeting the right people at the right time – or even the wrong ones at the right time – at least the part about who we meet in life, get in touch with, befriend or don’t has got a lot to do with either or all of these things.
What triggered me to rant about all these things right now, you ask/wonder? Like everything else – or most other things – that I rant about it, this train of thoughts was triggered by what me and a friend of mine went through recently…
He was an online friend... but someone I went to school with for a couple of years, until he changed school. We were pretty dormant for a while... there in each other’s friend-lists, but conspicuous by our absence in each other’s scrapbooks – which is to say we hadn’t really ever had a conversation, or so much as even exchanged a few words online. Then one day we just hit it off – just like that – and got along so well, we wondered why we hadn’t done this before!
Now in a short time we got along really well – with similar interests, same zodiac signs, roughly the same attitudes in general, same experiences as school kids... you get the drift, ya? Then one day he told me about this friend of his that he had had a big row with and was not talking to since a very long time. I having gone through similar situation just a few months back, felt really bad for the two of them. With considerable possibility of sounding like a Grandma, or like a ‘been-there-done-that’, I am going to say that, I know what it is like to lose a best friend. So I kind of tried to persuade him to talk to his friend. Of course I didn’t do it too passionately, just a little elbowing, if you know what I mean... but nonetheless, it worked. The next time his friend was online, my friend talked to her, and they talked and talked and talked. And the bitterness dissolved somewhere in between, and they became friends again.
And as if that completed my role in his life, the very next day my friend sent me an e-mail, to which I gave a strange funny reply, and then we had a fight, and he chose to break it up. And I didn’t resist.
It seemed so strange to me at the time it happened, that I didn’t know what to make of this whole thing. The way I had reacted to his mail was not me – that person writing a reply to his mail was not me. The person who spoke to him when he called after reading my mail was not me. The things I said were not my thoughts! It was incomprehensible. I don’t give up on people so easily, never on friends at least! But with him, I let go like I never knew him.
As you sow, so shall you reap; tit for tat; karma – there’s a lot of ways to say it, but it all means the same thing. But sometimes it is beyond our control to explain things that happen around us, things that happen to us. I have had and lost some of the best friends life can give anyone... but one thing I have learnt from all this is to not feel bad if at some point of time, someone just drifts away from you – or rather when people leave – and to not try and hold on to them when they do drift away or leave. Of course there is a difference between trying to make a friendship – or any relationship – work out, and to cling onto something that’s already not working out. We are all after all instruments who carry out, work for and work against each other’s destiny’s... all of it, or part of it. Sometimes people enter in our lives only to make us experience or face or go through something, and that is all that their role is in our lives... our paths stick along as long as this purpose is fulfilled, and then, life just moves on. Sometimes we are meant to be cheated by our most trusted people, or be surprised by the most unexpected… or even be loved by the ones that we never thought would give us a thought, or someone we’d never give a thought to ourselves... that’s just how it is, nothing official about it!
But if there’s someone out there, keeping an account of all this, phew! He’s gotta be one hell of a mathematician...
Do you believe in karma? Fate? Destiny? Luck? I do… I think everything that happens in our life has at least a little to do with either or all of these things. At least the part about meeting the right people at the right time – or even the wrong ones at the right time – at least the part about who we meet in life, get in touch with, befriend or don’t has got a lot to do with either or all of these things.
What triggered me to rant about all these things right now, you ask/wonder? Like everything else – or most other things – that I rant about it, this train of thoughts was triggered by what me and a friend of mine went through recently…
He was an online friend... but someone I went to school with for a couple of years, until he changed school. We were pretty dormant for a while... there in each other’s friend-lists, but conspicuous by our absence in each other’s scrapbooks – which is to say we hadn’t really ever had a conversation, or so much as even exchanged a few words online. Then one day we just hit it off – just like that – and got along so well, we wondered why we hadn’t done this before!
Now in a short time we got along really well – with similar interests, same zodiac signs, roughly the same attitudes in general, same experiences as school kids... you get the drift, ya? Then one day he told me about this friend of his that he had had a big row with and was not talking to since a very long time. I having gone through similar situation just a few months back, felt really bad for the two of them. With considerable possibility of sounding like a Grandma, or like a ‘been-there-done-that’, I am going to say that, I know what it is like to lose a best friend. So I kind of tried to persuade him to talk to his friend. Of course I didn’t do it too passionately, just a little elbowing, if you know what I mean... but nonetheless, it worked. The next time his friend was online, my friend talked to her, and they talked and talked and talked. And the bitterness dissolved somewhere in between, and they became friends again.
And as if that completed my role in his life, the very next day my friend sent me an e-mail, to which I gave a strange funny reply, and then we had a fight, and he chose to break it up. And I didn’t resist.
It seemed so strange to me at the time it happened, that I didn’t know what to make of this whole thing. The way I had reacted to his mail was not me – that person writing a reply to his mail was not me. The person who spoke to him when he called after reading my mail was not me. The things I said were not my thoughts! It was incomprehensible. I don’t give up on people so easily, never on friends at least! But with him, I let go like I never knew him.
As you sow, so shall you reap; tit for tat; karma – there’s a lot of ways to say it, but it all means the same thing. But sometimes it is beyond our control to explain things that happen around us, things that happen to us. I have had and lost some of the best friends life can give anyone... but one thing I have learnt from all this is to not feel bad if at some point of time, someone just drifts away from you – or rather when people leave – and to not try and hold on to them when they do drift away or leave. Of course there is a difference between trying to make a friendship – or any relationship – work out, and to cling onto something that’s already not working out. We are all after all instruments who carry out, work for and work against each other’s destiny’s... all of it, or part of it. Sometimes people enter in our lives only to make us experience or face or go through something, and that is all that their role is in our lives... our paths stick along as long as this purpose is fulfilled, and then, life just moves on. Sometimes we are meant to be cheated by our most trusted people, or be surprised by the most unexpected… or even be loved by the ones that we never thought would give us a thought, or someone we’d never give a thought to ourselves... that’s just how it is, nothing official about it!
But if there’s someone out there, keeping an account of all this, phew! He’s gotta be one hell of a mathematician...
Thursday, May 28, 2009
ON BODY ODOR, LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AND SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST...
Came across a rather interesting article in the paper a couple of days back that said something like: men and women are attracted to each other depending on the smell of their sweat; or rather body odor. I am sure many of you will react to this by saying: duh, doesn’t everybody know that by now? But what really caught my attention was that scientists believe it is the genes located in the HLA Complex – Human Leucocyte Antigen Complex – that play the key role of finding our ‘true love’ for us... (For all the non-Biology students: the HLA Complex is concerned with the immune system of man; and that is all I am going to say here… it would take me eons to explain how and why! Google it... :) )
Chemistry of attraction, eh?
This kinda explains why there might be instant attraction towards a girl who is not necessarily breath-takingly beautiful, or a guy who is not Brad Pitt. (Although let me please mention here – and I do NOT care what you think – I DON’T like Brad Pitt. I think he looks nice, and acts decent. But I will not drool if ever I find myself standing in front of him.)
This also somehow explains the age old concept of ‘love at first sight’ (only it should be love at first ‘smell’!)...
But pray, how does this explain falling in love with someone you haven’t ever met in person?
Like maybe someone you met on a social networking website maybe?
Or someone you saw at a party???
Crazy man... really...
After the first read, I casually joked about the article with my Dad (yeah yeah, he is a very cool person I have no problem discussing sex with... :) ) and then totally forgot all about it... until today when I saw a Marathi Film not really related to the issue, but which had physical relations playing a major role in the story. (I won’t mention the name of the movie; but if you know me personally, and if your curiosity gets the better of you, contact me!)
‘Shevati donach goshti/bhavana kharya... pot ani chambdi.’
(In the end, only 2 things matter... hunger and sex.)
Is it really so?
If one really thinks very objectively about this whole ‘falling in love’ business, then it is all only about finding the right match, or the ‘most-fit mate’ for yourself, so that you can be sure your species isn’t gonna go extinct, and that your off-springs shall be fit and healthy and shall survive; and even science can be said to have proved it (according to the article I just mentioned about... you know, HLA - immune system - body odor - falling in love – love at first sight etc etc...) Does this reduce all the feelings, emotions, love, attachment, affection, attraction, and scores of other things we feel for our partners to just the skin? And just sex? And if ‘yes’ then who are better-off? The ‘good guys’? Or the ‘flirts’, the ‘chaplus’ guys, the ‘romeos’, the ‘Casanovas’, as they are variously called, who have only one thing on their mind?
Probably all this emotion-play came into being to keep us engaged! They say guys like the chase... girls like the suave ones... unpredictability... mysteriousness... this, that... falana-dimka... imagine if all this was gone, and finding ‘the right one’ was reduced down to one sniff... we’d be really bored! With all the ‘worldly comforts’, inventions or whatever, taking care of all the things we have to do, we’d be left with a horrible amount of free time and nothing to do!
I guess that’s why, we need ‘sex with ALL strings attached’... rather than with no string attached!
Chemistry of attraction, eh?
This kinda explains why there might be instant attraction towards a girl who is not necessarily breath-takingly beautiful, or a guy who is not Brad Pitt. (Although let me please mention here – and I do NOT care what you think – I DON’T like Brad Pitt. I think he looks nice, and acts decent. But I will not drool if ever I find myself standing in front of him.)
This also somehow explains the age old concept of ‘love at first sight’ (only it should be love at first ‘smell’!)...
But pray, how does this explain falling in love with someone you haven’t ever met in person?
Like maybe someone you met on a social networking website maybe?
Or someone you saw at a party???
Crazy man... really...
After the first read, I casually joked about the article with my Dad (yeah yeah, he is a very cool person I have no problem discussing sex with... :) ) and then totally forgot all about it... until today when I saw a Marathi Film not really related to the issue, but which had physical relations playing a major role in the story. (I won’t mention the name of the movie; but if you know me personally, and if your curiosity gets the better of you, contact me!)
‘Shevati donach goshti/bhavana kharya... pot ani chambdi.’
(In the end, only 2 things matter... hunger and sex.)
Is it really so?
If one really thinks very objectively about this whole ‘falling in love’ business, then it is all only about finding the right match, or the ‘most-fit mate’ for yourself, so that you can be sure your species isn’t gonna go extinct, and that your off-springs shall be fit and healthy and shall survive; and even science can be said to have proved it (according to the article I just mentioned about... you know, HLA - immune system - body odor - falling in love – love at first sight etc etc...) Does this reduce all the feelings, emotions, love, attachment, affection, attraction, and scores of other things we feel for our partners to just the skin? And just sex? And if ‘yes’ then who are better-off? The ‘good guys’? Or the ‘flirts’, the ‘chaplus’ guys, the ‘romeos’, the ‘Casanovas’, as they are variously called, who have only one thing on their mind?
Probably all this emotion-play came into being to keep us engaged! They say guys like the chase... girls like the suave ones... unpredictability... mysteriousness... this, that... falana-dimka... imagine if all this was gone, and finding ‘the right one’ was reduced down to one sniff... we’d be really bored! With all the ‘worldly comforts’, inventions or whatever, taking care of all the things we have to do, we’d be left with a horrible amount of free time and nothing to do!
I guess that’s why, we need ‘sex with ALL strings attached’... rather than with no string attached!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
.....................
Got up at eight today morning and took to cleaning my room immediately. Dust had settled all over. I had been putting it off, waiting for exams to get over. And now that they were over, I couldn’t stand all the mess!
Started with my clothes cupboard. Then my dressing table. My bed. And lastly, my study-table. I always save it for the last. Every year, I have to think and think of how I am going to make place in my already over-full study table for the whole new stack of books. And this being my final year, I had not one, not two, but 11 reference books with no place to go! And they were only the bare minimum.
About 20 minutes later, both the cupboards to the sides of my table were open, their contents spilled out on the floor – and me spilled out somewhere between them. I looked around me and sighed heavily. Books, papers, magazines, school report cards, class photographs, pen stands by the dozen, stationery enough to go into 3 bags, novels, encyclopedia, my diaries, old greeting cards, medals, colours, paints, palette, drawing books… even charcoal, from the one time I tried to do a sketch in charcoal and ended up looking like an adivasi...
Mom came in, took one look at the mess, and burst out laughing.
‘Mom! You should help me out! Not laugh at me!’
‘I would… but you don’t want to throw any of this, or give it away… how else can I help?’
I made a face. Mom laughed.
‘Ok, I am off to Veena-maushi’s… will be back by 5.’
Mom had a lunch date with her friend that day. And dad had left early morning. I was gonna be home alone.
‘Ok, have fun!’ I said following Mom out till the door. I saw Mom walk down the stairs, and pulled the door shut and returned to my den.
I looked at all the mess and sighed again.
‘Ok! Looks like I am gonna have to throw a few things away I guess!’ I said out loud to no one ion particular.
But I just kept staring at the mess for half an hour, sitting on my bed.
I couldn’t possibly throw anything away! Each of the myriad little things lying on the floor was so important to me! And special. Each had a story behind it. Like the first piece I had knitted. Or the cards I had received from my Atya for each of my birthdays. And those pressed grass twigs in that big fat story book! I used to make greetings out of them and used to post them to all our relatives for Diwali. And how could I possibly throw away all those paintings! No way! And the Japanese Fan! The Japanese Fan I had made! The straw hat from my first dance in school... As I went through these and many other things I had even forgotten I had kept still, I thought of all the summer vacations and all the crazy things I used to do back then… from making greeting cards, to fabric painting, to pottery, to lying on my bed reading a book and listening to songs… working on a painting the whole day, and then calling all my neighbors over to see ‘my new creation’… I couldn’t remember the last time I had held a paint brush in my hand, or spent a lazy afternoon just dreaming. Each of us has a fantasy world… a world full of all of our favorite things. I had one too… in fact, I still have one. And it still is full of all things that may seem ‘childish’ or immature’… but heck, it’s my world… where anything is possible…
I looked at all the greeting cards, and read all the messages penned down for me… the last card I had received from my Atya was for my 12th birthday… why do we stop doing things like these when we ‘grow up’? We cross a certain age, and suddenly birthday cards with cake and balloons seem childish…. Or embroidering your initials on your handkerchief seems like a stupid thing to do. I was so serious about becoming a painter as a kid… and somewhere down the line; I just gave it up… for a worldlier career… why? Why do we give up on things, but still cling on to their memory?
As I cleaned my room, I ended up dusting my mind too. It was like I had met myself after a long time…
That day, I did a lot of things I had not done in years.
I started working on a painting.
I spent the afternoon reading a novel.
I made a few snacks and called my neighbors over for tea.
I even went for a walk with Dad in the evening, on the hill, and came back with a bag full of colorful odd looking stones!
And it felt amazing doing all those things…
Started with my clothes cupboard. Then my dressing table. My bed. And lastly, my study-table. I always save it for the last. Every year, I have to think and think of how I am going to make place in my already over-full study table for the whole new stack of books. And this being my final year, I had not one, not two, but 11 reference books with no place to go! And they were only the bare minimum.
About 20 minutes later, both the cupboards to the sides of my table were open, their contents spilled out on the floor – and me spilled out somewhere between them. I looked around me and sighed heavily. Books, papers, magazines, school report cards, class photographs, pen stands by the dozen, stationery enough to go into 3 bags, novels, encyclopedia, my diaries, old greeting cards, medals, colours, paints, palette, drawing books… even charcoal, from the one time I tried to do a sketch in charcoal and ended up looking like an adivasi...
Mom came in, took one look at the mess, and burst out laughing.
‘Mom! You should help me out! Not laugh at me!’
‘I would… but you don’t want to throw any of this, or give it away… how else can I help?’
I made a face. Mom laughed.
‘Ok, I am off to Veena-maushi’s… will be back by 5.’
Mom had a lunch date with her friend that day. And dad had left early morning. I was gonna be home alone.
‘Ok, have fun!’ I said following Mom out till the door. I saw Mom walk down the stairs, and pulled the door shut and returned to my den.
I looked at all the mess and sighed again.
‘Ok! Looks like I am gonna have to throw a few things away I guess!’ I said out loud to no one ion particular.
But I just kept staring at the mess for half an hour, sitting on my bed.
I couldn’t possibly throw anything away! Each of the myriad little things lying on the floor was so important to me! And special. Each had a story behind it. Like the first piece I had knitted. Or the cards I had received from my Atya for each of my birthdays. And those pressed grass twigs in that big fat story book! I used to make greetings out of them and used to post them to all our relatives for Diwali. And how could I possibly throw away all those paintings! No way! And the Japanese Fan! The Japanese Fan I had made! The straw hat from my first dance in school... As I went through these and many other things I had even forgotten I had kept still, I thought of all the summer vacations and all the crazy things I used to do back then… from making greeting cards, to fabric painting, to pottery, to lying on my bed reading a book and listening to songs… working on a painting the whole day, and then calling all my neighbors over to see ‘my new creation’… I couldn’t remember the last time I had held a paint brush in my hand, or spent a lazy afternoon just dreaming. Each of us has a fantasy world… a world full of all of our favorite things. I had one too… in fact, I still have one. And it still is full of all things that may seem ‘childish’ or immature’… but heck, it’s my world… where anything is possible…
I looked at all the greeting cards, and read all the messages penned down for me… the last card I had received from my Atya was for my 12th birthday… why do we stop doing things like these when we ‘grow up’? We cross a certain age, and suddenly birthday cards with cake and balloons seem childish…. Or embroidering your initials on your handkerchief seems like a stupid thing to do. I was so serious about becoming a painter as a kid… and somewhere down the line; I just gave it up… for a worldlier career… why? Why do we give up on things, but still cling on to their memory?
As I cleaned my room, I ended up dusting my mind too. It was like I had met myself after a long time…
That day, I did a lot of things I had not done in years.
I started working on a painting.
I spent the afternoon reading a novel.
I made a few snacks and called my neighbors over for tea.
I even went for a walk with Dad in the evening, on the hill, and came back with a bag full of colorful odd looking stones!
And it felt amazing doing all those things…
Monday, March 3, 2008
CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE SOUL...
Ok. So it was happening again. And I was prepared; or so I thought…
At the exact moment when I realised I was falling head over heels for my friend all over again, I also realised he was not interested in me, all over again… or that he would probably never be…
I still tried to play it cool… Try and ‘take it all sportingly in a stride’… Be happy for him… Ask about the girl without feeling jealous or left-out… Smile and actually mean it… act mature…
But the main problem with acting mature is that at the end of it, you are still ‘acting’ mature… and not actually being mature…
I again convinced myself… or tried to; that I am a ‘nice’ girl… good-looking and all… and that maybe I am just worth someone better… that I am not his kind but that doesn’t mean I am never going to have a boy-friend or anything… For the zillionth time in my life I tried to get over… over what? Even I don’t know really if you ask me. I mean, we weren’t going around, so I can’t call it ‘heartbreak’… so whatever it was that I was trying to get over… I still haven’t figured out… maybe trying to get over being the ‘outcaste’… trying to get over the fact of being the only person among my gal-pals who didn’t have a boy-friend, and so also didn’t have any of her friends who could spare some time for her and meet her and catch up on things… trying to get over feeling unwanted… trying to get over the feeling you get when your feelings are not reciprocated… Like always I tried to convince myself and said good things about myself to me… things that would, or were supposed to cheer me up… I tried to tell myself… I tried to argue, ‘why is it so important for me that a guy should like me, fall for me or whatever?’, and ‘why was my happiness conditional?’, and on and on I went inside my head. He was sitting in front of me and talking… I could make it out from his lip-movements, but I wasn’t really listening.
I went on and on… trying to ‘look at the brighter side of things’, if there were any… and I tried to ‘act mature’…
And then at one point… I just snapped.
You know what? No matter what you say and what you do… IT SUCKS.
It sucks to be the only single girl in your group of friends… It sucks to always fall for guys who don’t like you… It sucks to have all guys think of you as a ‘guy’… as an equal… just because you are frank and straightforward and bindaas… It sucks big-time. It really does. I am fed up of having to be the ‘poor-me’… and I don’t know what to do about it… I am fed up of eating with a voice at the back of my head that constantly reminds me the number of calories I am putting on… I am fed up of watching models with unrealistic figures on TV… I am fed up of going to college to look at girls who are ‘bitchy’ and pathetic people on the inside but who are also surrounded by people just because they act sweet on the face and are ‘oh-so-girly’… I am fed up of hanging out with friends who have nothing but their boy-friends to talk about… It’s such a shame that people should judge you by how you look and who you hang out with and what time you sleep and whether you go to pubs or not and whether you have a boy-friend or not… and whether you are fat or not… and whether you enjoy late night parties or not… I am fed up of going to romantic movies and then wistfully looking at the hero and the heroine as they kiss each other in the end… It’s so so sick. I am fed up trying to make myself ‘fit’… make myself accepted… I’m fed up of trying to be someone I am not… Ya I don’t wear make-up; I sleep at nine; I am fat; I am not a typical girl; i don’t go to pubs; I don’t wear short skirts and I don’t have a tattoo; and I have never had a boy-friend; and I have never been kissed… SO WHAT?
You try to be cool… you try to get people to accept you into their group… and you don’t succeed… and then at the end of the day, its just you sitting with your tears giving you company… even when you know the whole thing is nothing worth crying over… You know that you are better off such people… and that it’s not the end of the world… but nonetheless, it’s a fact. It is the world you are living in… it’s the world I am living in. It’s a world where I am alone in a crowd. It’s the world that is pathetic to the core, but it’s the real world… and my only consolation lies in this sentence I read somewhere…
Life is a dream… I will wake up when I die…
At the exact moment when I realised I was falling head over heels for my friend all over again, I also realised he was not interested in me, all over again… or that he would probably never be…
I still tried to play it cool… Try and ‘take it all sportingly in a stride’… Be happy for him… Ask about the girl without feeling jealous or left-out… Smile and actually mean it… act mature…
But the main problem with acting mature is that at the end of it, you are still ‘acting’ mature… and not actually being mature…
I again convinced myself… or tried to; that I am a ‘nice’ girl… good-looking and all… and that maybe I am just worth someone better… that I am not his kind but that doesn’t mean I am never going to have a boy-friend or anything… For the zillionth time in my life I tried to get over… over what? Even I don’t know really if you ask me. I mean, we weren’t going around, so I can’t call it ‘heartbreak’… so whatever it was that I was trying to get over… I still haven’t figured out… maybe trying to get over being the ‘outcaste’… trying to get over the fact of being the only person among my gal-pals who didn’t have a boy-friend, and so also didn’t have any of her friends who could spare some time for her and meet her and catch up on things… trying to get over feeling unwanted… trying to get over the feeling you get when your feelings are not reciprocated… Like always I tried to convince myself and said good things about myself to me… things that would, or were supposed to cheer me up… I tried to tell myself… I tried to argue, ‘why is it so important for me that a guy should like me, fall for me or whatever?’, and ‘why was my happiness conditional?’, and on and on I went inside my head. He was sitting in front of me and talking… I could make it out from his lip-movements, but I wasn’t really listening.
I went on and on… trying to ‘look at the brighter side of things’, if there were any… and I tried to ‘act mature’…
And then at one point… I just snapped.
You know what? No matter what you say and what you do… IT SUCKS.
It sucks to be the only single girl in your group of friends… It sucks to always fall for guys who don’t like you… It sucks to have all guys think of you as a ‘guy’… as an equal… just because you are frank and straightforward and bindaas… It sucks big-time. It really does. I am fed up of having to be the ‘poor-me’… and I don’t know what to do about it… I am fed up of eating with a voice at the back of my head that constantly reminds me the number of calories I am putting on… I am fed up of watching models with unrealistic figures on TV… I am fed up of going to college to look at girls who are ‘bitchy’ and pathetic people on the inside but who are also surrounded by people just because they act sweet on the face and are ‘oh-so-girly’… I am fed up of hanging out with friends who have nothing but their boy-friends to talk about… It’s such a shame that people should judge you by how you look and who you hang out with and what time you sleep and whether you go to pubs or not and whether you have a boy-friend or not… and whether you are fat or not… and whether you enjoy late night parties or not… I am fed up of going to romantic movies and then wistfully looking at the hero and the heroine as they kiss each other in the end… It’s so so sick. I am fed up trying to make myself ‘fit’… make myself accepted… I’m fed up of trying to be someone I am not… Ya I don’t wear make-up; I sleep at nine; I am fat; I am not a typical girl; i don’t go to pubs; I don’t wear short skirts and I don’t have a tattoo; and I have never had a boy-friend; and I have never been kissed… SO WHAT?
You try to be cool… you try to get people to accept you into their group… and you don’t succeed… and then at the end of the day, its just you sitting with your tears giving you company… even when you know the whole thing is nothing worth crying over… You know that you are better off such people… and that it’s not the end of the world… but nonetheless, it’s a fact. It is the world you are living in… it’s the world I am living in. It’s a world where I am alone in a crowd. It’s the world that is pathetic to the core, but it’s the real world… and my only consolation lies in this sentence I read somewhere…
Life is a dream… I will wake up when I die…
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