I had a chat with one of my friends today… after a really long time. He is someone I genuinely like, but also someone I genuinely hate! We quarrel more, and more often, than we talk; and we always joke about it. It’s a funny friendship I have with him – but he is a good guy, and I like him.
It is almost after a couple months that we spoke to each other… and within minutes we were arguing about some hypothetical question. But this time the conversation got a little more personal than hypothetical, and things kind of went out of hands.
Eventually we did sort it out, and ended the conversation on a happy note, but – the obsessive, compulsive over thinker that I am – I kept thinking about our conversation for the rest of the day. Like the backdrop of a stage, my mind kept coming back to it again and again, after all the thoughts had vanished from the foreground. I left the house in the same state, and forgot my bike keys inside after I had pulled the door close. Then I realised I had forgotten my wallet as well, and the keys to the house along with it. I checked my pant pockets and found I had about fifty bucks. I decided to take a rickshaw to college.
I met all my classmates on reaching the department… after many days we were all happy and laughing and tension free, now that exams were over. We went to the canteen and decided to rob one of our friends of all her money – she owed us too many a treat and hadn’t given any! We all decided to settle the account.
‘Arre yaar, aaj mere paas sacchi itne paise nahi hai!’ she tried to explain – ‘I got only twenty!’
But we still kept on teasing her and asking her for a treat.
And in that moment I realised – isn’t that about how unreasonable we act sometimes?
We expect time from someone who is busy.
We expect co-operation from the least friendly colleague.
We want love from someone who takes us only as a friend.
We want someone who loves talking to sit quietly and listen to us.
My mom always says – each person gives only that what he has. I used to never understand her when she used to say that – but now I know.
There are so many kinds of people we meet every day – look around and you may find that namuna who is always happy, that person who is always alone, who is always sad, or who is always lost. There was a phase when I used to be always angry. My friends used to say – you lose your temper too quickly now-a-days.
When I look back, I now realise that at that point of time, I was going through a lot of things that I had absolutely no control over. It was like I was being pulled into situations which I wanted to avoid and there was nothing I could do about it – and it made me angry. The fact, or its realisation, that I had no control over what was happening to me and no way to make it right made me angry, and my anger lashed out at people near me.
But do we realise this when we see it happening around us?
We are very quick at jumping to conclusions –
‘Oh she has changed, she is just so moody now-a-days.’
‘I don’t know what’s wrong; he was never like this before.’
But do we ever stop and think “why” this is happening?
A person who is hurt, hurts others.
A person who is angry, lashes out at others.
A person who does not hang out with others is in fact feeling very lonely and outcast himself.
A person who is bitter has someone being bitter to him.
It is almost always like this.
Each person gives only that what he has.
If you see such people around you and if they are someone you know or like or care for, go talk to them; sit down next to them; chat with them; ask them if they want to share what they are going through with you.
Help them.
Genuinely help them.
And help them in a way that suits them – not in a way that you think is right. Don’t help them for your sake – to make you feel good; for that help is no help.
It is not too difficult to pick on someone who is going through a tough time – unless that person is really good at masking his or her true feelings. And even such people break down at some point of time.
No one wants someone who is always rude, or moody, or upset, or fussy, or angry around them – but if that someone is your friend, don’t abandon him, for that only adds to their pain. Talk to him.
Pouring your heart out does not always mean loving the person, being caring, being affectionate and being nice – as much as these feelings, it is also the heart only that is home to feelings like hurt, anger, exertion, disappointment. Don’t choose people by their behaviour towards you, for that is going to change with their state of mind and with the state of affairs in their lives; choose people for the what they are after all these feelings have washed off and faded away… for that is the true nature that lies at the heart of that person.
Every person is capable of some good in life – and no one who is distressed deserves to be abandoned by his friends.
If someone got only twenty, he will give you only twenty. Don’t say – oh he won’t even give me a fifty, I don’t like him. Remember the times he gave you more than you wanted – and be grateful for it, for we may never know when roles reverse and we are on the other side, only hoping and wishing crazy that our friends understand us and support us.
The good and the bad are both you – don’t be ashamed of it.
And always remember – someone who can’t handle your worst, doesn’t deserve your best.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A RACE AGAINST TIME
I came across a bunch of forgotten photo albums while cleaning up my mom’s dressing table today afternoon, and it was such a joyride! Me in specs, big fat round ones, that made my eyes look funny; and sporting clothes reminiscent of times and fashion statements that are ancient now – balloon sleeves, two long pony tails, and a skirt that went below my knees but floated above the ground. Sure I looked like a disaster! But those pictures did manage to bring a smile on my face.
After that, I took out the bag of photo albums from under my bed and went through those pictures too, like I have on so many afternoons before, and like I will on so many more – for I never tire of looking at those pictures. I saw myself growing up through the pictures… a baby, yawning away as Mom kissed my forehead; a toddler, waving to Dad from the floor as he left for office; a kindergarten student, clapping her hands and dancing to the tune of Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast (yes, I admit, I used to love that song as a kid!); a schoolgirl, cutting the cake on her birthday with all her classmates around her; a teenager, with her best friend on a pajama-party night…
And then somewhere in between I disappeared totally from almost all the pictures… and it was just Mom, Dad, Atya, my sisters and brothers, relatives, my nephew, and everybody else – except me. Everyone laughing, sharing stories, telling jokes, just like always… but I was missing. I caught my head, or my hair in one or two pictures; but that was it.
I didn’t realise it until a tear had fallen on the one of the pictures that I was crying. I looked at all the get-togethers and dinners and parties and functions I had missed – because I was too busy studying for some exam, or completing journals and submissions and assignments. I felt very virtuous at the time – felt like I was being responsible and doing the right thing. Sure my relatives were all always proud of all my achievements, and so was I, I guess.
But looking at those pictures reminded me of times that I had let go by, and that didn’t look like they were going to come back. I miss my cousins, I miss my aunts and uncles, I miss all of them, and all the fun times we used to have together – the PPPJs, the ghost stories, the college affairs (that they used to try and hide from me, cos I was too young n all, but that I did learn about anyway!) and so many other things…
I looked at those pictures and thought – why had I let these moments slip out of hand? Why had I missed that get-together? Why had I opted out of that party?
It wouldn’t have hurt if I had scored a little less on that test.
It certainly would not have harmed if I had not attended college on that Monday.
It would not have mattered if I had reached late for practicals that day.
But I was brought up to be like this – responsible, punctual, dutiful, a good student, a good daughter – and that is how I have lived my life so far.
But do you call this ‘living’?
I do not want to suggest that the above qualities are not virtue – they no doubt are. But are these virtues more important than spending time with your family, or making merry with your friends, or just having a good time?
Just the other day I saw a trailer of some movie, and one of the dialogues hit me stark in my face –
Life mein kabhi kuchh galat kiya?
And I realised – no, maine kabhi life mein kuchh galat nahi kiya tha…
I keep telling Mom – loosen up, let go, ease out, relax, it’s alright if you don’t do one out of a hundred things, it’s ok if you don’t do the laundry today, it’s ok if you don’t cook today, it’s alright if you sleep till late today, it’s fine if the milk spills over before you could take it off the burner… but I wish I had realised the same a few years ago… that it was ok for me to not be punctual all the time, that it was ok for me to bunk my tuitions and go for a movie someday…
We often let virtues get bigger than people…
We give up on family, friends, and relationships even for our careers, for our jobs, for a better life, for money…
But this is not just about that…
This is about not letting virtues define your existence – you did not come in this world to be perfect.
Spend time with your loved ones…
Laugh from the bottom of your heart…
Love like you’ve never been hurt…
Dance like no one’s watching…
And live each day like it’s the last day of your life – you wouldn’t want to be sitting in front of a computer and working, or mugging up chemistry formulas, or making balance sheets if it was the last day of your life, right?
And this is not because ‘kya pata kal ho na ho’… but because it is worth it, creating all those memories… they will run for your rescue in ways least expected, and you shall be grateful to them at some point of time in life…
After that, I took out the bag of photo albums from under my bed and went through those pictures too, like I have on so many afternoons before, and like I will on so many more – for I never tire of looking at those pictures. I saw myself growing up through the pictures… a baby, yawning away as Mom kissed my forehead; a toddler, waving to Dad from the floor as he left for office; a kindergarten student, clapping her hands and dancing to the tune of Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast (yes, I admit, I used to love that song as a kid!); a schoolgirl, cutting the cake on her birthday with all her classmates around her; a teenager, with her best friend on a pajama-party night…
And then somewhere in between I disappeared totally from almost all the pictures… and it was just Mom, Dad, Atya, my sisters and brothers, relatives, my nephew, and everybody else – except me. Everyone laughing, sharing stories, telling jokes, just like always… but I was missing. I caught my head, or my hair in one or two pictures; but that was it.
I didn’t realise it until a tear had fallen on the one of the pictures that I was crying. I looked at all the get-togethers and dinners and parties and functions I had missed – because I was too busy studying for some exam, or completing journals and submissions and assignments. I felt very virtuous at the time – felt like I was being responsible and doing the right thing. Sure my relatives were all always proud of all my achievements, and so was I, I guess.
But looking at those pictures reminded me of times that I had let go by, and that didn’t look like they were going to come back. I miss my cousins, I miss my aunts and uncles, I miss all of them, and all the fun times we used to have together – the PPPJs, the ghost stories, the college affairs (that they used to try and hide from me, cos I was too young n all, but that I did learn about anyway!) and so many other things…
I looked at those pictures and thought – why had I let these moments slip out of hand? Why had I missed that get-together? Why had I opted out of that party?
It wouldn’t have hurt if I had scored a little less on that test.
It certainly would not have harmed if I had not attended college on that Monday.
It would not have mattered if I had reached late for practicals that day.
But I was brought up to be like this – responsible, punctual, dutiful, a good student, a good daughter – and that is how I have lived my life so far.
But do you call this ‘living’?
I do not want to suggest that the above qualities are not virtue – they no doubt are. But are these virtues more important than spending time with your family, or making merry with your friends, or just having a good time?
Just the other day I saw a trailer of some movie, and one of the dialogues hit me stark in my face –
Life mein kabhi kuchh galat kiya?
And I realised – no, maine kabhi life mein kuchh galat nahi kiya tha…
I keep telling Mom – loosen up, let go, ease out, relax, it’s alright if you don’t do one out of a hundred things, it’s ok if you don’t do the laundry today, it’s ok if you don’t cook today, it’s alright if you sleep till late today, it’s fine if the milk spills over before you could take it off the burner… but I wish I had realised the same a few years ago… that it was ok for me to not be punctual all the time, that it was ok for me to bunk my tuitions and go for a movie someday…
We often let virtues get bigger than people…
We give up on family, friends, and relationships even for our careers, for our jobs, for a better life, for money…
But this is not just about that…
This is about not letting virtues define your existence – you did not come in this world to be perfect.
Spend time with your loved ones…
Laugh from the bottom of your heart…
Love like you’ve never been hurt…
Dance like no one’s watching…
And live each day like it’s the last day of your life – you wouldn’t want to be sitting in front of a computer and working, or mugging up chemistry formulas, or making balance sheets if it was the last day of your life, right?
And this is not because ‘kya pata kal ho na ho’… but because it is worth it, creating all those memories… they will run for your rescue in ways least expected, and you shall be grateful to them at some point of time in life…
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
REGRET
Malvika looked at Hrishab, sitting right beside her on a flight to Delhi. She looked at his face that seemed as usual – calm, serene, composed – but something told her he was everything but that underneath. And she wondered if any man would ever do for her what Hrishab was doing.
One phone call – and everything had changed for her; her course of the next week, and – perhaps – that of her life. But she wished it hadn’t. She so dearly wished it hadn’t.
They got off at the airport and took a taxi and headed straight for the hospital. Malvika was clutching the paper with the address of the hospital tightly in her one hand; in the other she held Hrishab’s hand. Hrishab looked at Malvika. He clearly saw the panic in her eyes, the worry, the care, the affection, the bond – perhaps the love too, or whatever remained of it. For the first time in his life, Hrishab felt scared, threatened, and like something was slipping out of his hands. He looked at this unusual, unconventional girl sitting next to him – for yes, in as many ways as she was mature, she was still a girl. He looked at the girl sitting next to him, who had possessed his heart like no one had ever been able to. And to see all these emotions in her eyes for someone else and not him scared Hrishab. It scared him a lot.
And yet, though he didn’t understand why, he had agreed to fly with Malvika to Delhi – quite against his will, but because he knew she needed him, or would need him as she faced Vikram after all these years. At least he was hoping she would need him.
As they arrived at the hospital, their palms grew wet – but Malvika didn’t know if it was she who was sweating or Hrishab. And that’s the first time she allowed herself to look at Hrishab directly in his eyes. But she couldn’t think of anything to say that would put him to comfort – no reassurance. She just kept staring into those warm brown eyes, and looked away. As the taxi parked in front of the hospital, Malvika let go of Hrishab’s hand.
‘I’ll go inside.’
Hrishab nodded as he pulled out his wallet to pay for the ride. He pulled a single bag out of the trunk and thanked the taxi driver. He turned around and saw Malvika standing at the counter – and was suddenly reminded of the first time he had seen her, ironically in the same dress. There was a sense of intriguing austerity in the way that Malvika carried herself around – something that pulled you toward her, made you want to know her more, but not without knowing you can only get so much closer to her on your own; from thereon, it was her choice, if she let you get any closer or not.
‘Room 109,’ Malvika said, as Hrishab reached her. She took his hand again and they walked to the elevator. But there were far too many people standing to get in. Malvika led them to the stairs and they started climbing them. Hrishab was tired and wanted to protest although it was just one floor, but he took one look at Malvika, and couldn’t. They took the stairs in small quick steps and were soon on the first floor. They looked around. A nurse stopped by.
‘Yes?’
‘Room 109?’
‘First room on your left.’
‘Thank you.’
They started walking toward the room – but suddenly Malvika had slowed down. Hrishab noticed this and slowed down as well. Finally, she stopped a few steps short of the room. Hrishab stopped as well. He waited patiently for Malvika to do something. She turned around and looked at him. He looked at her.
He gave her hand a squeeze and blinked.
She turned left and walked right upto the room.
She could see him inside the room.
He had lost quite some weight – his tall frame looked frail and weak, as he lay on the bed. There was a copy of Wuthering Heights propped open upon his chest. Malvika instantly recognised it as the one she had gifted him, and the one he had mocked her about. She looked at all the tubes going inside his body – carrying God only knows what not. He looked quite okay otherwise. And then Malvika noticed his head.
Those thick black curls that she had locked her fingers into once upon a time were gone. What remained was only the skull cap that she used to tease him about.
A lady sitting next to him looked up from her book at Malvika. She immediately got up and came outside the room.
‘Hello aunty,’ Malvika greeted her, as she put her free hand on the lady’s shoulder. The lady grabbed it and started crying. Malvika looked at Hrishab and then back at the lady.
‘Thank you for coming beta,’ the lady said. ‘He is waiting for you.’
Malvika smiled at the lady, and opened the door, and though she had made no sound, Vikram opened his eyes and looked at her. He smiled.
‘Hi.’
And with that, Malvika let go or Hrishab’s hand and walked into the room, closing the door behind her.
-x-x-
The lady looked at Hrishab, offering him half an awkward smile. Hrishab smiled back.
‘Are you with Malvika?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s your name?’
‘Hrishab.’
She went and sat in one of the chairs placed outside the room. She motioned for Hrishab to join her.
‘I am glad you could come with her. I had been angry and worried when Vikram had called her – angry because he had not done the right thing by disturbing her and her life by making that phone call out of the blue, and with the news that he had; worried because I didn’t know how Malvika would take it.’
‘You knew about your son and Malvika?’
A long pause. A sigh.
‘Yes.’
Another long awkward pause.
‘I’m glad she is not alone,’ the lady said again. Hrishab could not really read the emotion in her voice. But he could make out one thing for sure – the woman was trying to say ‘I’m glad she found someone’ in every way other than directly saying it.
Hrishab steered the lady towards her son.
‘When did you find out?’
‘Eight months back.’
So he had thought a lot before informing Malvika, Hrishab thought.
‘How did you come to know?’
The lady removed her specs and put them into a case before answering him.
‘He threw up blood.’
Hrishab didn’t know what else to say.
‘You must be tired. Shall we go have a cup of coffee?’ the lady offered.
‘Sure, if that is not too much trouble,’ Hrishab said, but only to be polite. As much as a part of him was aching to wrap his lips around a cup of strong, hot coffee, a much bigger part of him was dying to burst into the room and pull Malvika out of it. But he knew he couldn’t do it; and more than that he knew he didn’t have to do it. But when life threatens your love, all logic seems ridiculous.
Hrishab took one look at the door of the room, and walked past it. Resisting himself a glance inside through the small glass window on the door with great difficulty, he followed the woman to the hospital canteen.
-x-x-
Malvika put her purse in one of the chairs inside the room and came and stood by the bed. Vikram closed the book and put it on the side table.
‘I can’t believe you’ve finally come around to reading it,’ Malvika said, in a desperate attempt to make casual conversation.
‘Yeah, I don’t have the kind of time to put it off to any later a date,’ Vikram said, smiling.
Malvika looked pained.
‘Come on, you know me and my sick sense of humour,’ Vikram said, ‘that only you found funny.’
Malvika made a sincere effort to smile.
‘Come sit,’ Vikram said, tucking his blanket underneath himself and making room for Malvika on the bed.
‘No I’m fine,’ she protested. There was hardly enough room on the bed for two.
‘Come on,’ Vikram said and held her hand.
Instantly Malvika went stiff. She inhaled deeply.
She still remembered his touch; and how the calluses on his palms felt. The familiarity had not faded, even over three years.
Vikram noticed it, and let go of her hand immediately.
Malvika sat down next to him. She was careful not to disturb or touch any tubes or needles running into Vikram’s veins.
‘So how are you?’
‘I am fine.’
‘You look beautiful,’ Vikram said.
Malvika looked at Vikram. This was the first time he had called her beautiful. Malvika couldn’t respond to the compliment and only nodded.
‘Was it a good flight till down here?’
‘Yes.’
‘On time too?’
‘Yep.’
Pause.
‘Malvika, thanks for coming.’
‘How could I refuse Vikram?’ Malvika said, as she allowed herself to look at Vikram.
Vikram hung his head – ‘After the way it ended between us, I never thought I would ever see you again. And I wouldn’t have, I guess, if it hadn’t been for my condition. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to talk to or meet more than you.’
‘What do you mean? What about Dhiraj?’
Vikram paused before answering, surprise evident in his eyes – ‘You still remember Dhiraj?’
‘I remember everything Vikram. It is not so long ago for me to start to forget everything.’
Pause.
‘He is in Auckland now. Got a job.’
‘And…’ Malvika hesitated.
‘Swati?’ Vikram prompted. Malvika only nodded.
‘We are not in touch anymore.’
‘Why? What happened?’
‘We broke up within a few months.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Vikram didn’t reply.
‘What went wrong?’ Malvika tried again.
‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Oh ok. I’m sorry I brought it up.’
‘No no, come on. It’s alright, you couldn’t have known.’
Vikram looked at Malvika as she tried to think of something to say to stay away from the most obvious of questions. Vikram could see her struggle inside her head, as she went through all the things she could talk about so as to steer clear from talking about his illness.
‘So you still drive your old Kinetic?’ Vikram asked out of the blue.
‘Of course! I love it! She’s my first love!’ Malvika said, trying to sound cheerful. ‘And I’m sure you still have your Yamaha?’
‘Nah, I sold it.’
‘What? Why!’ Malvika exclaimed, the surprise genuine in her voice.
‘Just. Didn’t feel like driving it anymore.’
‘How are all your crazy friends from college?’
‘I don’t know,’ Vikram answered after thinking for a while.
‘What do you mean “I don’t know”?’
‘I am not in touch with anyone anymore.’
‘Oh my God. Vikram what happened?’
‘I don’t know. Everything just went wrong suddenly, one after the other. First it went kaput between me and Swati. And then just everything went wrong. And then I was diagnosed of cancer, about a week before your birthday. It just all went kind of downhill from there, everything just went out of – Malvika, you’re crying.’
Malvika wiped her tears of her cheeks, but they refuse to stay behind her eyes any longer.
‘You’d called on my birthday. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Malvika said through her tears. And then, neither could tell who initiated it, but they were in each other’s arms and their lips had locked.
Malvika clung onto Vikram’s shirt and kissed him. Vikram kissed her back, holding her in his arms, caressing her and try to calm her down. But Malvika couldn’t stop. She kept on crying. She cried and cried till her throat went dry. ‘Why?’ she kept on asking.
‘I just didn’t,’ was all Vikram had to say in reply.
‘Vikram, don’t you know even by now, what you meant to me?’ Malvika asked sincerely.
‘I do Malvika – and it scares me. I am not worth what you give me.’
Malvika nodded ‘no’.
‘I am not Malvika, even though you think otherwise.’
‘Vikram that’s not even an answer! We were a lot more than just…’ Malvika couldn’t complete her sentence. ‘Vikram you were always special to me, and you will always be! You should’ve told me Vikram! I can’t believe it… all this time, all these years… and you didn’t call me even once! I know we didn’t break up on a healthy note, but still! We meant a lot more to each other…’
‘It was not until I lost you that I realised it Malvika. I just couldn’t bring myself to call you.’
‘Vikram…’
But Malvika could say no more.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Malvika got up and reached for her purse. She pulled out a napkin and went into the bathroom as a nurse came in to check on Vikram.
‘Is there anything you need?’ Malvika heard a female voice above the sound of tap water.
‘No I’m fine, thank you.’ Vikram’s voice. Malvika wiped the water off her face and entered the room again, just as the nurse left. She put her napkin back into the purse and came and sat down beside Vikram again.
‘It feels so nice to see you Malvika. I really mean it.’
‘It is good to see you too Vikram.’
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out – ’
‘Stop it Vikram. Forget about it.’
Pause.
‘You tell me about yourself! How are you doing?’
‘I am fine. I’m doling ok.’
‘Have you come alone?’
‘No I got someone along with me…’ Malvika answered tentatively.
Vikram looked at her.
‘What’s his name?’ he asked.
‘Hrishab.’
Pause.
‘Would you like to meet him?’
‘I would love to.’
-x-x-
Hrishab was pacing the corridor outside Room 109. It had been almost an hour since Malvika had entered the room. He couldn’t wait any longer. Vikram’s mother had stayed back in the canteen as she bumped into someone she knew, while Hrishab had come back up to the room. Hrishab wondered what Malvika and Vikram were talking about, what they were doing. Sure Vikram had only a few months of life left, but Hrishab had no sympathy for him. Malvika had barely given him the most essential information, but Hrishab had never had to ask; for any person with even an ounce of compassion could tell what a tough time Malvika had had to go through. And then Hrishab could read faces.
He had chosen never to ask Malvika anything after the first and the last time she told him about Vikram, but that does not mean Hrishab did not know what had happened. And he had no sympathy for a guy who could put someone he loved at some point of time at least through something like that. And least of all someone Hrishab now loved more than anyone else. He could and would never forgive Vikram. Ever.
The door to room 109 opened and Malvika stepped outside – one look and Hrishab knew he had made a mistake by agreeing to fly Malvika down to Delhi. A girl like her did not deserve to be put through this turmoil, no matter how much she wanted it.
Malvika walked upto Hrishab. Hrishab stepped toward her and hugged her. He kissed her on the forehead.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked.
‘Yes. I am fine,’ she said while still hugging him back, her head on his chest. She stayed like that for a moment, then looked up at him.
‘Will you come inside and say hi, please?’
‘Why?’
Malvika paused – ‘For me?’
-x-x-
‘Hi.’
‘Hi Hrishab. Thanks for flying Malvika down. I am really grateful. And it’s nice to meet you.’
Malvika looked at the two of them – one too upset to talk, the other too ashamed. She tried to fill in.
‘Hrishab works with Capgemini.’
‘Oh I see.’
‘He will be flying to Texas next week regarding work. He is going to be there for about a month.’
‘Texas is an awesome place.’
Malvika’s phone buzzed. She fished it out of her purse.
‘I’m sorry, I have to take this. Please excuse me,’ she said as she walked out of the room.
Vikram looked at Hrishab.
‘Thanks for coming, really. It means a lot to me.’
‘I did not do it for you.’
‘And you have done it quite unwillingly for her as well, as I can see.’
Hrishab began to say something, but stopped himself. For as much as he could never bring himself to forgive Vikram, he could read the regret on his face, as clear as ink on paper. Only he wished he could tell Vikram everything that he had to do to pull Malvika out of him, to convince her to trust people again, to trust herself again. Only he knew what that girl talking on the phone outside had been through, and how much it had thrown her off track, how deeply it had shook her. Only Hrishab knew how helpless Malvika had sounded when she’d told Hrishab why she wasn’t attracted to him in spite of him being such a great person, why she felt nothing about a guy who would have otherwise made her go weak in the knees, why she was so inert. Vikram didn’t know how horribly Malvika had closed into herself, and how difficult it had been for her to come out of her closet. He didn’t know how much the girl had paid, and only for having loved – selflessly and honestly.
But the regret and remorse on Vikram’s face was unmistakable. And Hrishab couldn’t possibly bring himself to say anything to him.
‘I threw away something that people don’t get even once in their life. I didn’t know what I had when I had it. But I hope you do. And I hope you will take good care of her and cherish her much more than I ever had or ever can.’
Hrishab nodded in reply.
Malvika entered the room as if on cue. She looked at both of them and smiled.
‘We are going to our hotel room now. We will come back in the evening to see you again,’ Malvika said, as they decided to take leave.
‘I’ll let you say goodbye,’ Hrishab said and walked out of the room.
‘So long,’ Malvika said, as she bent down to hug Vikram.
‘Bye. I really missed you all these years. It was so nice to see you,’ Vikram said, as he put his arms around Malvika’s neck and hugged her back.
‘Anything I can bring for you when I come in the evening?’ Malvika asked.
‘Just yourself – it is more than I can ever be grateful for anyway.’
‘Come on Vikram, don’t talk that way.’
‘You still get so disturbed Malvika – its alright. I am ready now.’
‘What do you mean?’
Vikram looked at Malvika, taking some time before he answered. He looked at those eyes that were once full of love for him, and those arms that he’d caressed standing in the balcony of his house. He looked at the locket that still hung around Malvika's neck and that he had never liked but had grown fond of over time. He looked at her, unblinking, drinking in with his eyes the sight of that lovely face, that lovely girl, that girl who loved him, but who he could never love back as much. He looked at her, as if absorbing her so that he could keep her in his memory forever. He tried to remember the Malvika he had known, and it struck him – nothing had changed. She still loved him, at some level. There was a part of her that she had with him, and that he knew would always be only his, till eternity, even though she was with Hrishab now and they were going to get married.
Nothing had changed.
And yet everything had.
‘Nothing,’ he said finally, and Malvika walked out of the door.
-x-x-
Vikram’s mother walked into the room. Vikram kept on staring outside the window. She came in and sat next to him on the bed. She looked at him. But he kept staring out of the window.
‘Are you feeling better?’
But Vikram didn’t say a word.
‘I am glad she came,’ Vikram’s mother said.
Vikram still didn’t respond.
His mother called out to him – ‘Vikram?’
He still didn’t respond.
She got off the bed and walked around to face Vikram. Tears were running down his cheeks. She stretched out a hand to wipe them off, and Vikram collapsed into tears. He hugged his mother and buried his face in her bosom. ‘I wish!’ he cried…
And he never said any more.
One phone call – and everything had changed for her; her course of the next week, and – perhaps – that of her life. But she wished it hadn’t. She so dearly wished it hadn’t.
They got off at the airport and took a taxi and headed straight for the hospital. Malvika was clutching the paper with the address of the hospital tightly in her one hand; in the other she held Hrishab’s hand. Hrishab looked at Malvika. He clearly saw the panic in her eyes, the worry, the care, the affection, the bond – perhaps the love too, or whatever remained of it. For the first time in his life, Hrishab felt scared, threatened, and like something was slipping out of his hands. He looked at this unusual, unconventional girl sitting next to him – for yes, in as many ways as she was mature, she was still a girl. He looked at the girl sitting next to him, who had possessed his heart like no one had ever been able to. And to see all these emotions in her eyes for someone else and not him scared Hrishab. It scared him a lot.
And yet, though he didn’t understand why, he had agreed to fly with Malvika to Delhi – quite against his will, but because he knew she needed him, or would need him as she faced Vikram after all these years. At least he was hoping she would need him.
As they arrived at the hospital, their palms grew wet – but Malvika didn’t know if it was she who was sweating or Hrishab. And that’s the first time she allowed herself to look at Hrishab directly in his eyes. But she couldn’t think of anything to say that would put him to comfort – no reassurance. She just kept staring into those warm brown eyes, and looked away. As the taxi parked in front of the hospital, Malvika let go of Hrishab’s hand.
‘I’ll go inside.’
Hrishab nodded as he pulled out his wallet to pay for the ride. He pulled a single bag out of the trunk and thanked the taxi driver. He turned around and saw Malvika standing at the counter – and was suddenly reminded of the first time he had seen her, ironically in the same dress. There was a sense of intriguing austerity in the way that Malvika carried herself around – something that pulled you toward her, made you want to know her more, but not without knowing you can only get so much closer to her on your own; from thereon, it was her choice, if she let you get any closer or not.
‘Room 109,’ Malvika said, as Hrishab reached her. She took his hand again and they walked to the elevator. But there were far too many people standing to get in. Malvika led them to the stairs and they started climbing them. Hrishab was tired and wanted to protest although it was just one floor, but he took one look at Malvika, and couldn’t. They took the stairs in small quick steps and were soon on the first floor. They looked around. A nurse stopped by.
‘Yes?’
‘Room 109?’
‘First room on your left.’
‘Thank you.’
They started walking toward the room – but suddenly Malvika had slowed down. Hrishab noticed this and slowed down as well. Finally, she stopped a few steps short of the room. Hrishab stopped as well. He waited patiently for Malvika to do something. She turned around and looked at him. He looked at her.
He gave her hand a squeeze and blinked.
She turned left and walked right upto the room.
She could see him inside the room.
He had lost quite some weight – his tall frame looked frail and weak, as he lay on the bed. There was a copy of Wuthering Heights propped open upon his chest. Malvika instantly recognised it as the one she had gifted him, and the one he had mocked her about. She looked at all the tubes going inside his body – carrying God only knows what not. He looked quite okay otherwise. And then Malvika noticed his head.
Those thick black curls that she had locked her fingers into once upon a time were gone. What remained was only the skull cap that she used to tease him about.
A lady sitting next to him looked up from her book at Malvika. She immediately got up and came outside the room.
‘Hello aunty,’ Malvika greeted her, as she put her free hand on the lady’s shoulder. The lady grabbed it and started crying. Malvika looked at Hrishab and then back at the lady.
‘Thank you for coming beta,’ the lady said. ‘He is waiting for you.’
Malvika smiled at the lady, and opened the door, and though she had made no sound, Vikram opened his eyes and looked at her. He smiled.
‘Hi.’
And with that, Malvika let go or Hrishab’s hand and walked into the room, closing the door behind her.
-x-x-
The lady looked at Hrishab, offering him half an awkward smile. Hrishab smiled back.
‘Are you with Malvika?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s your name?’
‘Hrishab.’
She went and sat in one of the chairs placed outside the room. She motioned for Hrishab to join her.
‘I am glad you could come with her. I had been angry and worried when Vikram had called her – angry because he had not done the right thing by disturbing her and her life by making that phone call out of the blue, and with the news that he had; worried because I didn’t know how Malvika would take it.’
‘You knew about your son and Malvika?’
A long pause. A sigh.
‘Yes.’
Another long awkward pause.
‘I’m glad she is not alone,’ the lady said again. Hrishab could not really read the emotion in her voice. But he could make out one thing for sure – the woman was trying to say ‘I’m glad she found someone’ in every way other than directly saying it.
Hrishab steered the lady towards her son.
‘When did you find out?’
‘Eight months back.’
So he had thought a lot before informing Malvika, Hrishab thought.
‘How did you come to know?’
The lady removed her specs and put them into a case before answering him.
‘He threw up blood.’
Hrishab didn’t know what else to say.
‘You must be tired. Shall we go have a cup of coffee?’ the lady offered.
‘Sure, if that is not too much trouble,’ Hrishab said, but only to be polite. As much as a part of him was aching to wrap his lips around a cup of strong, hot coffee, a much bigger part of him was dying to burst into the room and pull Malvika out of it. But he knew he couldn’t do it; and more than that he knew he didn’t have to do it. But when life threatens your love, all logic seems ridiculous.
Hrishab took one look at the door of the room, and walked past it. Resisting himself a glance inside through the small glass window on the door with great difficulty, he followed the woman to the hospital canteen.
-x-x-
Malvika put her purse in one of the chairs inside the room and came and stood by the bed. Vikram closed the book and put it on the side table.
‘I can’t believe you’ve finally come around to reading it,’ Malvika said, in a desperate attempt to make casual conversation.
‘Yeah, I don’t have the kind of time to put it off to any later a date,’ Vikram said, smiling.
Malvika looked pained.
‘Come on, you know me and my sick sense of humour,’ Vikram said, ‘that only you found funny.’
Malvika made a sincere effort to smile.
‘Come sit,’ Vikram said, tucking his blanket underneath himself and making room for Malvika on the bed.
‘No I’m fine,’ she protested. There was hardly enough room on the bed for two.
‘Come on,’ Vikram said and held her hand.
Instantly Malvika went stiff. She inhaled deeply.
She still remembered his touch; and how the calluses on his palms felt. The familiarity had not faded, even over three years.
Vikram noticed it, and let go of her hand immediately.
Malvika sat down next to him. She was careful not to disturb or touch any tubes or needles running into Vikram’s veins.
‘So how are you?’
‘I am fine.’
‘You look beautiful,’ Vikram said.
Malvika looked at Vikram. This was the first time he had called her beautiful. Malvika couldn’t respond to the compliment and only nodded.
‘Was it a good flight till down here?’
‘Yes.’
‘On time too?’
‘Yep.’
Pause.
‘Malvika, thanks for coming.’
‘How could I refuse Vikram?’ Malvika said, as she allowed herself to look at Vikram.
Vikram hung his head – ‘After the way it ended between us, I never thought I would ever see you again. And I wouldn’t have, I guess, if it hadn’t been for my condition. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to talk to or meet more than you.’
‘What do you mean? What about Dhiraj?’
Vikram paused before answering, surprise evident in his eyes – ‘You still remember Dhiraj?’
‘I remember everything Vikram. It is not so long ago for me to start to forget everything.’
Pause.
‘He is in Auckland now. Got a job.’
‘And…’ Malvika hesitated.
‘Swati?’ Vikram prompted. Malvika only nodded.
‘We are not in touch anymore.’
‘Why? What happened?’
‘We broke up within a few months.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Vikram didn’t reply.
‘What went wrong?’ Malvika tried again.
‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Oh ok. I’m sorry I brought it up.’
‘No no, come on. It’s alright, you couldn’t have known.’
Vikram looked at Malvika as she tried to think of something to say to stay away from the most obvious of questions. Vikram could see her struggle inside her head, as she went through all the things she could talk about so as to steer clear from talking about his illness.
‘So you still drive your old Kinetic?’ Vikram asked out of the blue.
‘Of course! I love it! She’s my first love!’ Malvika said, trying to sound cheerful. ‘And I’m sure you still have your Yamaha?’
‘Nah, I sold it.’
‘What? Why!’ Malvika exclaimed, the surprise genuine in her voice.
‘Just. Didn’t feel like driving it anymore.’
‘How are all your crazy friends from college?’
‘I don’t know,’ Vikram answered after thinking for a while.
‘What do you mean “I don’t know”?’
‘I am not in touch with anyone anymore.’
‘Oh my God. Vikram what happened?’
‘I don’t know. Everything just went wrong suddenly, one after the other. First it went kaput between me and Swati. And then just everything went wrong. And then I was diagnosed of cancer, about a week before your birthday. It just all went kind of downhill from there, everything just went out of – Malvika, you’re crying.’
Malvika wiped her tears of her cheeks, but they refuse to stay behind her eyes any longer.
‘You’d called on my birthday. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Malvika said through her tears. And then, neither could tell who initiated it, but they were in each other’s arms and their lips had locked.
Malvika clung onto Vikram’s shirt and kissed him. Vikram kissed her back, holding her in his arms, caressing her and try to calm her down. But Malvika couldn’t stop. She kept on crying. She cried and cried till her throat went dry. ‘Why?’ she kept on asking.
‘I just didn’t,’ was all Vikram had to say in reply.
‘Vikram, don’t you know even by now, what you meant to me?’ Malvika asked sincerely.
‘I do Malvika – and it scares me. I am not worth what you give me.’
Malvika nodded ‘no’.
‘I am not Malvika, even though you think otherwise.’
‘Vikram that’s not even an answer! We were a lot more than just…’ Malvika couldn’t complete her sentence. ‘Vikram you were always special to me, and you will always be! You should’ve told me Vikram! I can’t believe it… all this time, all these years… and you didn’t call me even once! I know we didn’t break up on a healthy note, but still! We meant a lot more to each other…’
‘It was not until I lost you that I realised it Malvika. I just couldn’t bring myself to call you.’
‘Vikram…’
But Malvika could say no more.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Malvika got up and reached for her purse. She pulled out a napkin and went into the bathroom as a nurse came in to check on Vikram.
‘Is there anything you need?’ Malvika heard a female voice above the sound of tap water.
‘No I’m fine, thank you.’ Vikram’s voice. Malvika wiped the water off her face and entered the room again, just as the nurse left. She put her napkin back into the purse and came and sat down beside Vikram again.
‘It feels so nice to see you Malvika. I really mean it.’
‘It is good to see you too Vikram.’
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out – ’
‘Stop it Vikram. Forget about it.’
Pause.
‘You tell me about yourself! How are you doing?’
‘I am fine. I’m doling ok.’
‘Have you come alone?’
‘No I got someone along with me…’ Malvika answered tentatively.
Vikram looked at her.
‘What’s his name?’ he asked.
‘Hrishab.’
Pause.
‘Would you like to meet him?’
‘I would love to.’
-x-x-
Hrishab was pacing the corridor outside Room 109. It had been almost an hour since Malvika had entered the room. He couldn’t wait any longer. Vikram’s mother had stayed back in the canteen as she bumped into someone she knew, while Hrishab had come back up to the room. Hrishab wondered what Malvika and Vikram were talking about, what they were doing. Sure Vikram had only a few months of life left, but Hrishab had no sympathy for him. Malvika had barely given him the most essential information, but Hrishab had never had to ask; for any person with even an ounce of compassion could tell what a tough time Malvika had had to go through. And then Hrishab could read faces.
He had chosen never to ask Malvika anything after the first and the last time she told him about Vikram, but that does not mean Hrishab did not know what had happened. And he had no sympathy for a guy who could put someone he loved at some point of time at least through something like that. And least of all someone Hrishab now loved more than anyone else. He could and would never forgive Vikram. Ever.
The door to room 109 opened and Malvika stepped outside – one look and Hrishab knew he had made a mistake by agreeing to fly Malvika down to Delhi. A girl like her did not deserve to be put through this turmoil, no matter how much she wanted it.
Malvika walked upto Hrishab. Hrishab stepped toward her and hugged her. He kissed her on the forehead.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked.
‘Yes. I am fine,’ she said while still hugging him back, her head on his chest. She stayed like that for a moment, then looked up at him.
‘Will you come inside and say hi, please?’
‘Why?’
Malvika paused – ‘For me?’
-x-x-
‘Hi.’
‘Hi Hrishab. Thanks for flying Malvika down. I am really grateful. And it’s nice to meet you.’
Malvika looked at the two of them – one too upset to talk, the other too ashamed. She tried to fill in.
‘Hrishab works with Capgemini.’
‘Oh I see.’
‘He will be flying to Texas next week regarding work. He is going to be there for about a month.’
‘Texas is an awesome place.’
Malvika’s phone buzzed. She fished it out of her purse.
‘I’m sorry, I have to take this. Please excuse me,’ she said as she walked out of the room.
Vikram looked at Hrishab.
‘Thanks for coming, really. It means a lot to me.’
‘I did not do it for you.’
‘And you have done it quite unwillingly for her as well, as I can see.’
Hrishab began to say something, but stopped himself. For as much as he could never bring himself to forgive Vikram, he could read the regret on his face, as clear as ink on paper. Only he wished he could tell Vikram everything that he had to do to pull Malvika out of him, to convince her to trust people again, to trust herself again. Only he knew what that girl talking on the phone outside had been through, and how much it had thrown her off track, how deeply it had shook her. Only Hrishab knew how helpless Malvika had sounded when she’d told Hrishab why she wasn’t attracted to him in spite of him being such a great person, why she felt nothing about a guy who would have otherwise made her go weak in the knees, why she was so inert. Vikram didn’t know how horribly Malvika had closed into herself, and how difficult it had been for her to come out of her closet. He didn’t know how much the girl had paid, and only for having loved – selflessly and honestly.
But the regret and remorse on Vikram’s face was unmistakable. And Hrishab couldn’t possibly bring himself to say anything to him.
‘I threw away something that people don’t get even once in their life. I didn’t know what I had when I had it. But I hope you do. And I hope you will take good care of her and cherish her much more than I ever had or ever can.’
Hrishab nodded in reply.
Malvika entered the room as if on cue. She looked at both of them and smiled.
‘We are going to our hotel room now. We will come back in the evening to see you again,’ Malvika said, as they decided to take leave.
‘I’ll let you say goodbye,’ Hrishab said and walked out of the room.
‘So long,’ Malvika said, as she bent down to hug Vikram.
‘Bye. I really missed you all these years. It was so nice to see you,’ Vikram said, as he put his arms around Malvika’s neck and hugged her back.
‘Anything I can bring for you when I come in the evening?’ Malvika asked.
‘Just yourself – it is more than I can ever be grateful for anyway.’
‘Come on Vikram, don’t talk that way.’
‘You still get so disturbed Malvika – its alright. I am ready now.’
‘What do you mean?’
Vikram looked at Malvika, taking some time before he answered. He looked at those eyes that were once full of love for him, and those arms that he’d caressed standing in the balcony of his house. He looked at the locket that still hung around Malvika's neck and that he had never liked but had grown fond of over time. He looked at her, unblinking, drinking in with his eyes the sight of that lovely face, that lovely girl, that girl who loved him, but who he could never love back as much. He looked at her, as if absorbing her so that he could keep her in his memory forever. He tried to remember the Malvika he had known, and it struck him – nothing had changed. She still loved him, at some level. There was a part of her that she had with him, and that he knew would always be only his, till eternity, even though she was with Hrishab now and they were going to get married.
Nothing had changed.
And yet everything had.
‘Nothing,’ he said finally, and Malvika walked out of the door.
-x-x-
Vikram’s mother walked into the room. Vikram kept on staring outside the window. She came in and sat next to him on the bed. She looked at him. But he kept staring out of the window.
‘Are you feeling better?’
But Vikram didn’t say a word.
‘I am glad she came,’ Vikram’s mother said.
Vikram still didn’t respond.
His mother called out to him – ‘Vikram?’
He still didn’t respond.
She got off the bed and walked around to face Vikram. Tears were running down his cheeks. She stretched out a hand to wipe them off, and Vikram collapsed into tears. He hugged his mother and buried his face in her bosom. ‘I wish!’ he cried…
And he never said any more.
Monday, October 18, 2010
BE THIS WAY
You’ll probably never know how much I loved you
But it had rather be this way
You will never know why I gave up on coffee,
or why I cut my hair
You will never know why I now like Metallica,
and where’re all the soft toys gone, that were once there
You’ll probably never know why I learnt to bake a Black-forest cake only cos you liked it
And you’re never going to know why I stopped talking to that boy from my school you had a fight with
You will keep guessing why I took dance lessons,
and why I kept saying – “I’m all old school
and chivalry will always have its charm,
even though you think going Dutch is cool.”
You’ll keep wondering why I gave up on old Hindi movies,
or why I started watching those English action flicks
You’ll never know where all my ear-rings have gone,
and why it now lies unused – my favourite kohl stick
I guess you never knew it was you I meant when I said
“My guy must be tall
and dark and funny and strong and loving and a gentleman”
And you’d mocked – “That’s all?!”
And you’ll probably never know how much I loved you,
and how much I miss your calls
But it had rather be this way any day
A broken heart is easier to handle,
than to handle “I wish I hadn’t met you anyway”
A broken heart is much more easy to handle
than to have you in my life at a price I can hardly pay
and only for you to sometime, someday, without the slightest of notice, just walk away…
But it had rather be this way
You will never know why I gave up on coffee,
or why I cut my hair
You will never know why I now like Metallica,
and where’re all the soft toys gone, that were once there
You’ll probably never know why I learnt to bake a Black-forest cake only cos you liked it
And you’re never going to know why I stopped talking to that boy from my school you had a fight with
You will keep guessing why I took dance lessons,
and why I kept saying – “I’m all old school
and chivalry will always have its charm,
even though you think going Dutch is cool.”
You’ll keep wondering why I gave up on old Hindi movies,
or why I started watching those English action flicks
You’ll never know where all my ear-rings have gone,
and why it now lies unused – my favourite kohl stick
I guess you never knew it was you I meant when I said
“My guy must be tall
and dark and funny and strong and loving and a gentleman”
And you’d mocked – “That’s all?!”
And you’ll probably never know how much I loved you,
and how much I miss your calls
But it had rather be this way any day
A broken heart is easier to handle,
than to handle “I wish I hadn’t met you anyway”
A broken heart is much more easy to handle
than to have you in my life at a price I can hardly pay
and only for you to sometime, someday, without the slightest of notice, just walk away…
Saturday, September 4, 2010
MOMENT OF CLARITY
I see so many people around me everyday, always waiting for something – waiting for the lecture to get over, waiting for the person in front of you in the que to finish his transaction, waiting for the traffic-light to turn green, waiting for your turn at the hair-dresser, waiting for the answer that’s gonna change your life, waiting for someone to come around, waiting for the hour to pass… its like our happiness is just out there, in sight. You can see it clearly, in all detail. But you are waiting to reach it; or for it to reach out to you.
Sounds familiar?
So what makes us wait for something in sight but out of reach?
What makes us stop from going after and getting what we want?
I am waiting for my life to change – yeah, pretty big huh? I am waiting to complete my post graduation so that I can pursue something I have been wanting to do all my life – or all along my life so far. But more importantly, I am waiting for that one moment that I am hoping will come in my life soon, when I will know who and what I want to be, what I want to make with my life and my time and my talent and brains – just like I always knew I wanted to study biology in college.
Sometimes you just know things are going to happen.
This relationship’s not going to work.
You’re going to be disappointed by the one person you held so highly.
You are going to get that one chance you were looking for to prove your worth.
You are going to win that competition you have been waiting to participate in.
This is the last time that you are going to see your grandfather.
This is a person who is going to come to mean a lot to you.
It’s like sometimes you can feel something taking control of situations, people around you and turning things about. You feel a presence. You feel it unmistakably, and stronger than you’ve felt anything in your life before.
You look at a house and know it’s the one for you, even if it is ridiculously expensive, or far away from your work place maybe.
You go to buy a puppy, and you just know which one you are going to pick.
We go around blindly through each day, get up, get dressed, have breakfast, work, come home in the evening, have dinner, have a beer maybe, watch TV, maybe call a friend and greet them for their birthday, go to bed, read something for a while, sleep. And the cycle repeats. We have opinions about people around us, about a fashion trend, about a movie star, about a song, about political issues, about the stock market – what is your opinion about yourself? How much do we know ourselves?
We are all living each day of life as it comes; but in reality I think we are all at some level waiting for that one moment that’s going to change that one thing about you or your life that you really badly want to change; or for that one moment when you will know what it is you can do to bring about that change. We all live for that one moment of clarity. It may come to us while we are working in our garden, or when the wind hits your face next time you step out of your house, or when you are playing with your niece. It may come to us quite unexpectedly, or after a great deal of waiting – one, maybe even two years, or much longer even. But there is that moment of clarity that comes in everyone’s life. It is unmistakable, inescapable if it is meant to change you. But more than that, it is something that you cannot miss if you don’t want to let it pass by unnoticed.
I am on the lookout of mine – and I am all armed and as ready as I can be! And I hope you will find yours too.
Sounds familiar?
So what makes us wait for something in sight but out of reach?
What makes us stop from going after and getting what we want?
I am waiting for my life to change – yeah, pretty big huh? I am waiting to complete my post graduation so that I can pursue something I have been wanting to do all my life – or all along my life so far. But more importantly, I am waiting for that one moment that I am hoping will come in my life soon, when I will know who and what I want to be, what I want to make with my life and my time and my talent and brains – just like I always knew I wanted to study biology in college.
Sometimes you just know things are going to happen.
This relationship’s not going to work.
You’re going to be disappointed by the one person you held so highly.
You are going to get that one chance you were looking for to prove your worth.
You are going to win that competition you have been waiting to participate in.
This is the last time that you are going to see your grandfather.
This is a person who is going to come to mean a lot to you.
It’s like sometimes you can feel something taking control of situations, people around you and turning things about. You feel a presence. You feel it unmistakably, and stronger than you’ve felt anything in your life before.
You look at a house and know it’s the one for you, even if it is ridiculously expensive, or far away from your work place maybe.
You go to buy a puppy, and you just know which one you are going to pick.
We go around blindly through each day, get up, get dressed, have breakfast, work, come home in the evening, have dinner, have a beer maybe, watch TV, maybe call a friend and greet them for their birthday, go to bed, read something for a while, sleep. And the cycle repeats. We have opinions about people around us, about a fashion trend, about a movie star, about a song, about political issues, about the stock market – what is your opinion about yourself? How much do we know ourselves?
We are all living each day of life as it comes; but in reality I think we are all at some level waiting for that one moment that’s going to change that one thing about you or your life that you really badly want to change; or for that one moment when you will know what it is you can do to bring about that change. We all live for that one moment of clarity. It may come to us while we are working in our garden, or when the wind hits your face next time you step out of your house, or when you are playing with your niece. It may come to us quite unexpectedly, or after a great deal of waiting – one, maybe even two years, or much longer even. But there is that moment of clarity that comes in everyone’s life. It is unmistakable, inescapable if it is meant to change you. But more than that, it is something that you cannot miss if you don’t want to let it pass by unnoticed.
I am on the lookout of mine – and I am all armed and as ready as I can be! And I hope you will find yours too.
FOOTPRINTS
Just how many things do we do in life for ourselves purely?
There always has to be that response to our stimulus.
An admirer of a new dress or new hair-cut.
A supporter to your decisions.
We are always looking for something that mirrors us to ourselves all our lives. We want that reflection to be in the form of someone else; and yet we want it to be exactly that – a reflection.
Someone who believes in what you believe in.
Someone who also likes tuna fish, just like you do.
Someone who also loves to dance, just like you do.
Why is it that we relate to something distinct from us only if we have been through a phase, a situation or an experience like that ourselves?
A favourite song.
A favourite movie.
Why is it that we have most experiences in common with our best friend?
We are always looking for that one person who will be a witness to our life on this planet.
Your friend may hate you thinking you always want to control their lives – but they still always consult you before taking any decision.
You know you are a good photographer – and yet it is important to you that people see and appreciate your work and tell you ‘you’re good’ at least once in a while.
I write for myself – but I am nonetheless always waiting for feedback and comments.
Can you for once in your life sing without an audience?
Can you for once cook a great meal just because YOU feel like having great food?
Can you for once read a good book and not share about it with another book-reading friend of yours?
Can you for once go off on a journey to enjoy your own company? Or even go to a movie all alone for that matter?
Can you? And more importantly – would you?
Why is it that we always turn around and look upon our footprints to see if someone is following them?
There always has to be that response to our stimulus.
An admirer of a new dress or new hair-cut.
A supporter to your decisions.
We are always looking for something that mirrors us to ourselves all our lives. We want that reflection to be in the form of someone else; and yet we want it to be exactly that – a reflection.
Someone who believes in what you believe in.
Someone who also likes tuna fish, just like you do.
Someone who also loves to dance, just like you do.
Why is it that we relate to something distinct from us only if we have been through a phase, a situation or an experience like that ourselves?
A favourite song.
A favourite movie.
Why is it that we have most experiences in common with our best friend?
We are always looking for that one person who will be a witness to our life on this planet.
Your friend may hate you thinking you always want to control their lives – but they still always consult you before taking any decision.
You know you are a good photographer – and yet it is important to you that people see and appreciate your work and tell you ‘you’re good’ at least once in a while.
I write for myself – but I am nonetheless always waiting for feedback and comments.
Can you for once in your life sing without an audience?
Can you for once cook a great meal just because YOU feel like having great food?
Can you for once read a good book and not share about it with another book-reading friend of yours?
Can you for once go off on a journey to enjoy your own company? Or even go to a movie all alone for that matter?
Can you? And more importantly – would you?
Why is it that we always turn around and look upon our footprints to see if someone is following them?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
inspired from "By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept" - LOVE
Nancy got up with a sad feeling deep in her heart. How she regretted having to live through this day every year. Every year she would go down the memory lane and visit the same old shack by the sea where she had gone off all on her own for a vacation a few years ago and had met a man who, Nancy was sure since the moment she set her eyes on him, was going to be very important to her and was going to change her life forever. If only she had not spotted that figure on the beach. If only she had not offered the man a glass of wine. If only he had not accepted. If only they had not fallen in love.
But she had spotted that lonely figure on the beach.
She had offered the cold man a glass of wine.
He had accepted.
And they had fallen in love.
It was not something she regretted. Once in your life comes along the kind of love that we are all made to grow up believing in, but that we all learn in our own ways exists only in fairy-tales and dreams and good romantic books and cheesy romantic movies.
But she did regret not asking him to stay when she knew she could have and when she knew he would not have refused.
She regretted having heeded to the higher calling. She had put that man and his life and his path towards a better self, top-most on her list of priorities; and herself and her feelings and her happiness below it – just like she had been brought up to be; just like she had lived all her life.
Her children before her.
Her husband before her.
Her marriage before her.
Her parents, her job, the people around – the world before herself.
And that made her the good mother, the good wife, the good daughter, employee and person that everybody talked about and that everybody wanted everybody else to be – but also that that she did not like, forty years of life, fifteen years of marriage and two children later.
What good is life when you spend it living for others? Every waking moment, every breath, every thought spent on others. Every good deed always done for the betterment of others. Every sacrifice always made for the happiness of others.
And it was a weekend spent not with her husband but with a stranger in a shack many many miles away from her house that had made her think – what had she done in life for herself?
When was the last time she lived, laughed, loved for herself?
That one weekend with the man in the shack by the sea had given Nancy a taste of what life could have been – a man who loved every inch of her body, a man who loved her heart and soul and who wasn’t afraid to show it; a life with a companion who was very different from her, but who complemented her and understood her nonetheless.
And yes, he was a married man, much older to her, with a son only fifteen years younger to Nancy. He was a man with faults, much like her husband; and yet he was so different from her husband.
Nancy regretted not having asked the man to stay when it was time for him to leave. She knew she had had the power to make him wait; she knew he had longed for her to ask him to wait. He had left the decision in Nancy’s hand. And Nancy had again chosen to be the good mother and wife and had let him go, only to come back to an unfaithful husband and a broken marriage that she thought was her responsibility to try and save.
But no relationship works with the efforts of only one individual. It is a give and take.
However, that one weekend spent with that man in the shack by the sea many many miles away from her house had changed Nancy. She had returned to an unfaithful husband and a broken marriage, but without guilt or a false sense of morality. She had returned a changed woman, and she had taken charge of things and had changed her life – which included moving out of the house and life of her husband but along with her son and daughter, shifting base to a new city, making new friends and finding a new job and doing what she had always dreamt of doing; starting a plant nursery. Her daughter understood her; but Nancy would not have minded even if she hadn’t – she would when she grew up a little more. Her son still loved his mother, though he missed his father.
But Nancy was still haunted by the memories of the man she met on this day few years ago.
She was glad he had saved her.
She was glad he had shown her what her life could be, what it ought to be.
She was glad he had happened to her.
But she still regretted not having asked him to wait when she could have.
But she now understood the lines she had read many many years ago…
Love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.
The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.
And to save us.
But she had spotted that lonely figure on the beach.
She had offered the cold man a glass of wine.
He had accepted.
And they had fallen in love.
It was not something she regretted. Once in your life comes along the kind of love that we are all made to grow up believing in, but that we all learn in our own ways exists only in fairy-tales and dreams and good romantic books and cheesy romantic movies.
But she did regret not asking him to stay when she knew she could have and when she knew he would not have refused.
She regretted having heeded to the higher calling. She had put that man and his life and his path towards a better self, top-most on her list of priorities; and herself and her feelings and her happiness below it – just like she had been brought up to be; just like she had lived all her life.
Her children before her.
Her husband before her.
Her marriage before her.
Her parents, her job, the people around – the world before herself.
And that made her the good mother, the good wife, the good daughter, employee and person that everybody talked about and that everybody wanted everybody else to be – but also that that she did not like, forty years of life, fifteen years of marriage and two children later.
What good is life when you spend it living for others? Every waking moment, every breath, every thought spent on others. Every good deed always done for the betterment of others. Every sacrifice always made for the happiness of others.
And it was a weekend spent not with her husband but with a stranger in a shack many many miles away from her house that had made her think – what had she done in life for herself?
When was the last time she lived, laughed, loved for herself?
That one weekend with the man in the shack by the sea had given Nancy a taste of what life could have been – a man who loved every inch of her body, a man who loved her heart and soul and who wasn’t afraid to show it; a life with a companion who was very different from her, but who complemented her and understood her nonetheless.
And yes, he was a married man, much older to her, with a son only fifteen years younger to Nancy. He was a man with faults, much like her husband; and yet he was so different from her husband.
Nancy regretted not having asked the man to stay when it was time for him to leave. She knew she had had the power to make him wait; she knew he had longed for her to ask him to wait. He had left the decision in Nancy’s hand. And Nancy had again chosen to be the good mother and wife and had let him go, only to come back to an unfaithful husband and a broken marriage that she thought was her responsibility to try and save.
But no relationship works with the efforts of only one individual. It is a give and take.
However, that one weekend spent with that man in the shack by the sea many many miles away from her house had changed Nancy. She had returned to an unfaithful husband and a broken marriage, but without guilt or a false sense of morality. She had returned a changed woman, and she had taken charge of things and had changed her life – which included moving out of the house and life of her husband but along with her son and daughter, shifting base to a new city, making new friends and finding a new job and doing what she had always dreamt of doing; starting a plant nursery. Her daughter understood her; but Nancy would not have minded even if she hadn’t – she would when she grew up a little more. Her son still loved his mother, though he missed his father.
But Nancy was still haunted by the memories of the man she met on this day few years ago.
She was glad he had saved her.
She was glad he had shown her what her life could be, what it ought to be.
She was glad he had happened to her.
But she still regretted not having asked him to wait when she could have.
But she now understood the lines she had read many many years ago…
Love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.
The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.
And to save us.
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