What surprised Kamini was the fact that even the realization of not being disgusted about it today didn’t surprise her – as if she had known all along it would come down to this. What seemed like torture, an unbearable ordeal until a couple of weeks ago was nothing more than a job for her today, a task she had to perform to get Karan out. Yes the fact that she hadn’t come to visit the police officer and pay him her respects last Tuesday and Thursday guaranteed the fact that this last encounter was especially going to be something she’d carry the scars of for a long time – but it was the last time after all. And she was ready for it.
And yet somewhere deep down she knew – that wasn’t the only reason she felt different about it. Point in fact, that was not one of the reasons at all – although there were several others. Like the fact that the police officer had grown milder and didn’t hurt her anymore; and the fact that there were no subordinates placed outside the cabin to keep a watch; and the fact that the cabin to which she had been coming twice a week, every week for the past seven months itself seemed a little cleaner now than the first time she had entered it and laid down on its dirt laden floor, squeezing her eyes shut as she tried to ignore the stench of her surroundings or the pressure of the police officer’s body on her own – chanting incessantly in her mind ‘I am doing this for you Karan, I am doing this for you my love…’
Whether the subordinates were relieved of their duty to save her the embarrassment, or to prevent them from lusting her she’d never know. But yes, there was an unmistakable change in the police officer’s demeanor over the past couple of weeks.
And still nothing in the world could ever make her think of any other man even for a moment – or so she thought until two weeks ago.
The police officer heard a rap on the door.
‘Come in.’
The door opened. Kamini stepped inside. She shut the door behind her and began to unbutton her shirt.
‘That won’t be necessary.’
Kamini froze. Her hands dropped to her sides as she looked at the police officer.
‘Sit,’ he said without looking at her.
That’s when she looked around and realized – the place had been thoroughly cleaned. There were clean sheets on the cot; the junk was gone, and there were wild flowers on the table.
Kamini tried to absorb her surroundings, still rooted to the spot where she was standing since she came in.
‘Sometimes you can’t explain why you do or don’t do things in life,’ the police officer began. ‘But what you can at least try to do is understand situations – for they are the fact. Not like your emotions – something that even you yourself can’t be sure of at times.’ Pause. ‘I fucked you – I fucked you over damn hard. But I had my reasons, twisted as they were and still are.’
‘Just as you made me construct and come up with mine to comply with your demands,’ Kamini thought, as she recalled the day Karan had been dragged by his arms by two of the police officers subordinates and dropped onto his chair across the counter. She had sat and watched him bleed and cry, slipping in and out of consciousness, as the officer’s voice rang in her ears – ‘You just wait and watch what I do to your sweetheart now.’
‘I am not going to try and explain or justify what I did,’ the police officer continued, ‘for it can’t be explained or justified.’
Kamini waited for him to go on.
‘That’s all.’
Pause.
‘You may leave.’
‘But what if I don’t want to?’
The police officer glanced at Kamini. Her face was blank – at least it didn’t look like she had just said the words he thought she had.
‘I think – did you just –‘
‘Yes.’
Kamini’s posture was still absolutely composed and calm, and self assured, and everything that her voice was not – which was insecure, sad and hurt.
‘Twisted as they were and still are, you had your reasons. But what reason did Karan have to call me a whore?’ Kamini said.
The police officer got up from his chair and walked over to Kamini. He allowed himself to look at her for the first time since she had come. He saw her shirt was still unbuttoned – but the bosom that awakened his deepest, fierce desires didn’t even tempt him today. He slowly pulled her shirt together and buttoned it up. Kamini didn’t move even as he finished. He hesitated for a moment, and then lifted her face to look at her – and the sight stabbed him.
For he was looking into the eyes of a woman defeated and crushed beyond he thought was possible. The faith, the determination that the big black beady eyes had carried all these weeks and which drove him mad and to the extreme were now replaced with a sadness that was unthought-of to ever be able to be possessed by them.
‘Kamini!’ he exclaimed.
And their lips locked in the most passionate kiss ever.
And the passion was on both sides.
Tears streamed down Kamini's eyes – the tears she had fought back all this while, and which she knew were to betray her as she faced the police officer today. He tore himself apart from her and looked at her face again. And he pulled her close again and put his arms around her and held her as she cried and cried.
– x – x –
She looked at the man coming out of the door.
He smiled at her.
Her mouth curved in a semi smile.
He walked upto her and hugged her. He had gone over this moment in his head scores of times since he entered the prison cell, and every time she went away after their visit, and every night he slept. He had gone over it while eating his food, while exercising, while being beaten…
But it didn’t feel anything like it was supposed to.
And he knew what he had done.
His embrace loosened slowly.
His arms dropped.
And he watched her as she slowly walked away…
