Today was the third time that I heard the same thing coming from three different friends of mine who'd been through three different situations recently -
I don't let dependency on anyone grow too much.
I smiled. Sometimes thats all that you can do - smile.
I have let dependency on people take its toll on me. I of all people have every reason NOT to let it grow in me.
But even then I really feel for these friends of mine. These cautious friends of mine - with all due respect to them and whatever it is they had to go through to arrive at that conclusion/decision - are NEVER going to know what it is like to totally surrender yourself to someone, something, anything... a situation, a lover, a time, a habit, an enemy, a feeling... for it is not only people we are dependent on. They will probably never know what it is like to put yourself in someone else's hands and then just close your eyes and wait for whatever it is they are going to do with you - toss you out, raise your to their lips and kiss you, or keep you like a rose in a diary... treasured but out of sight.
It takes strength - a lot of it too - to do something like that... to let someone control you completely, even if for a moment... to know that no matter how cautious we are, we are never going to be cautious enough for LIFE... never prepared enough for death - of people, of relationships... we plan and construct and design and strategise for a tomorrow that we do not even know is going to be there. And we still think we've got it all figured out, we've got the answers, the keys, the secrets; so sure we have it all...
Its like the leap of faith in dance... you could never have practiced it enough to be sure your partner is going to be able to catch you when your feet leave the ground. But you still do it, hoping he will... and thats how we are all living life... breathing out every moment, though we are not sure if we are going to be able to breathe in again the next moment...
Friday, June 25, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
ON SMOKING, CONNOTATIONS AND BEING AT PEACE WITH YOUR ISSUES
I had a wonderful evening with one of my childhood friends last evening. It is amazing how you just tend to bond with some people and how some people, the mere sight of, can repel you so strongly. We’d placed our orders and come and sat at our table when she asked me –
‘Do you mind if I smoke?’
And I almost instantly said – ‘Not at all.’
She may have been quite surprised with my response, because she soon told me of a number of incidents when the same question had evoked a string of unpleasant feelings in the person who she had asked the question to. But I was only partly listening to what she was saying; rather than her, it was me who was quite surprised. Until yesterday, or rather up until that moment, I had big issues about smoking and smokers and people who smoke in public. But I still said ‘Not at all’. I don’t know why. I honestly don’t.
What I do know however is that something changed in that moment. I don’t know what or how or why, and I don’t want to delve into it either. But today when I think of it, I am more at peace with my issues.
A lot of times people don’t really let themselves react to a situation, or other people around them, as individuals. People always relate everything to something in the past – an incident, an accident, an upbringing, it could be any of these and a number of other things. Connotations. I’m not saying I don’t – I do it too sometimes. And up until yesterday I had never given it a thought. Just as my friend took the first puff (I’m not even sure if that is the right word/phrase – I am completely alien to smoking) a couple of heads turned, even subtly, to look at this attractive female, who was smoking at a coffee shop. I can sort of comprehend what must have been going through the minds of those people. Some just glanced at our table and went back to what they were doing the next instance. Some kept staring till it was embarrassing. And some even stared at me – with eyes that said ‘Eew-how-gross-get-up-leave-do-something-stop-her-girls-today-the-friends-you-keep’ and the like.
But I was so much at peace with my qualms – it was as if they had never existed. Yeah my friend is a girl and she smokes. So? That doesn’t make her any less likable, or friendly, or fun to be with, or talented, or attractive, or honest, and scores of other things. And even if it does for some, I would like to ask – is it really because she smokes? Or because the things that smoking implies? Things like she is available, loose, cheap, a speed-dater? Who associated all these tings with smoking? And forget about who and why – do you really believe in all that? Have you ever given yourself a chance to think, question what you really believe?
It is the same with smoking, as it is with a number of other things – girls who always hang out with guys, girls who drink, girls who live in hostels. It is a crazy thing, this whole connotations business. Not that I am defending my friend, but if I were to say anything in her defense at all, I would say that – smoking, like eating with your hands even at a restaurant, or wearing only black, or washing your feet every night before going to bed, or biting your nails, or being obsessed about your hair looking perfect, is just a habit. And it implies nothing. Nothing at all. Period. Yes I would like it if she quit – it is not a healthy habit. But in the meantime, I am not going to let the connotations associated with smoking worry me about whether I should hang out with my friend, and allow her to smoke in my company or not. I have known other people who smoke. Hell, I even once got up and walked right out of the same coffee shop because the guy I was with – meeting for the first time in fact, if you must know – just pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it and started smoking, right in my face. Without even asking me if I was ok with it, or if I had health issues, or anything. My friend was at least decent enough to smoke away from the table and not right into my face! And as luck would have it, she had a pack of the same brand my dad used to smoke…! Funny coincidences.
In the end it is all about how you carry yourself, how you project yourself, where you draw the line, and how honest you are to yourself. Cos at the end of the day, it is not the society that you live with – it is yourself. Nothing we do – and that includes smoking in public – or don’t do, should be because of the connotations it implies. Cos that is a sure way to hell. What matters is your peace with yourself and who you are – your peace with the good and the bad in you. Parents, relatives, friends, neighbours, acquaintances, society come later – come after yourself. Give it whatever name you want to – conscience, sense of right and wrong, your soul – I like to call it ‘you’. You live, eat, drink, travel, and go to movies, smoke, with yourself first. And what matters is your peace with your own company. At first it seems/sounds strange – your own company? What the hell has that got to mean? But sit on it for a while, and it makes perfect sense. At least it did to me. And I hope it will to you.
‘Do you mind if I smoke?’
And I almost instantly said – ‘Not at all.’
She may have been quite surprised with my response, because she soon told me of a number of incidents when the same question had evoked a string of unpleasant feelings in the person who she had asked the question to. But I was only partly listening to what she was saying; rather than her, it was me who was quite surprised. Until yesterday, or rather up until that moment, I had big issues about smoking and smokers and people who smoke in public. But I still said ‘Not at all’. I don’t know why. I honestly don’t.
What I do know however is that something changed in that moment. I don’t know what or how or why, and I don’t want to delve into it either. But today when I think of it, I am more at peace with my issues.
A lot of times people don’t really let themselves react to a situation, or other people around them, as individuals. People always relate everything to something in the past – an incident, an accident, an upbringing, it could be any of these and a number of other things. Connotations. I’m not saying I don’t – I do it too sometimes. And up until yesterday I had never given it a thought. Just as my friend took the first puff (I’m not even sure if that is the right word/phrase – I am completely alien to smoking) a couple of heads turned, even subtly, to look at this attractive female, who was smoking at a coffee shop. I can sort of comprehend what must have been going through the minds of those people. Some just glanced at our table and went back to what they were doing the next instance. Some kept staring till it was embarrassing. And some even stared at me – with eyes that said ‘Eew-how-gross-get-up-leave-do-something-stop-her-girls-today-the-friends-you-keep’ and the like.
But I was so much at peace with my qualms – it was as if they had never existed. Yeah my friend is a girl and she smokes. So? That doesn’t make her any less likable, or friendly, or fun to be with, or talented, or attractive, or honest, and scores of other things. And even if it does for some, I would like to ask – is it really because she smokes? Or because the things that smoking implies? Things like she is available, loose, cheap, a speed-dater? Who associated all these tings with smoking? And forget about who and why – do you really believe in all that? Have you ever given yourself a chance to think, question what you really believe?
It is the same with smoking, as it is with a number of other things – girls who always hang out with guys, girls who drink, girls who live in hostels. It is a crazy thing, this whole connotations business. Not that I am defending my friend, but if I were to say anything in her defense at all, I would say that – smoking, like eating with your hands even at a restaurant, or wearing only black, or washing your feet every night before going to bed, or biting your nails, or being obsessed about your hair looking perfect, is just a habit. And it implies nothing. Nothing at all. Period. Yes I would like it if she quit – it is not a healthy habit. But in the meantime, I am not going to let the connotations associated with smoking worry me about whether I should hang out with my friend, and allow her to smoke in my company or not. I have known other people who smoke. Hell, I even once got up and walked right out of the same coffee shop because the guy I was with – meeting for the first time in fact, if you must know – just pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it and started smoking, right in my face. Without even asking me if I was ok with it, or if I had health issues, or anything. My friend was at least decent enough to smoke away from the table and not right into my face! And as luck would have it, she had a pack of the same brand my dad used to smoke…! Funny coincidences.
In the end it is all about how you carry yourself, how you project yourself, where you draw the line, and how honest you are to yourself. Cos at the end of the day, it is not the society that you live with – it is yourself. Nothing we do – and that includes smoking in public – or don’t do, should be because of the connotations it implies. Cos that is a sure way to hell. What matters is your peace with yourself and who you are – your peace with the good and the bad in you. Parents, relatives, friends, neighbours, acquaintances, society come later – come after yourself. Give it whatever name you want to – conscience, sense of right and wrong, your soul – I like to call it ‘you’. You live, eat, drink, travel, and go to movies, smoke, with yourself first. And what matters is your peace with your own company. At first it seems/sounds strange – your own company? What the hell has that got to mean? But sit on it for a while, and it makes perfect sense. At least it did to me. And I hope it will to you.
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