Malvika looked at Hrishab, sitting right beside her on a flight to Delhi. She looked at his face that seemed as usual – calm, serene, composed – but something told her he was everything but that underneath. And she wondered if any man would ever do for her what Hrishab was doing.
One phone call – and everything had changed for her; her course of the next week, and – perhaps – that of her life. But she wished it hadn’t. She so dearly wished it hadn’t.
They got off at the airport and took a taxi and headed straight for the hospital. Malvika was clutching the paper with the address of the hospital tightly in her one hand; in the other she held Hrishab’s hand. Hrishab looked at Malvika. He clearly saw the panic in her eyes, the worry, the care, the affection, the bond – perhaps the love too, or whatever remained of it. For the first time in his life, Hrishab felt scared, threatened, and like something was slipping out of his hands. He looked at this unusual, unconventional girl sitting next to him – for yes, in as many ways as she was mature, she was still a girl. He looked at the girl sitting next to him, who had possessed his heart like no one had ever been able to. And to see all these emotions in her eyes for someone else and not him scared Hrishab. It scared him a lot.
And yet, though he didn’t understand why, he had agreed to fly with Malvika to Delhi – quite against his will, but because he knew she needed him, or would need him as she faced Vikram after all these years. At least he was hoping she would need him.
As they arrived at the hospital, their palms grew wet – but Malvika didn’t know if it was she who was sweating or Hrishab. And that’s the first time she allowed herself to look at Hrishab directly in his eyes. But she couldn’t think of anything to say that would put him to comfort – no reassurance. She just kept staring into those warm brown eyes, and looked away. As the taxi parked in front of the hospital, Malvika let go of Hrishab’s hand.
‘I’ll go inside.’
Hrishab nodded as he pulled out his wallet to pay for the ride. He pulled a single bag out of the trunk and thanked the taxi driver. He turned around and saw Malvika standing at the counter – and was suddenly reminded of the first time he had seen her, ironically in the same dress. There was a sense of intriguing austerity in the way that Malvika carried herself around – something that pulled you toward her, made you want to know her more, but not without knowing you can only get so much closer to her on your own; from thereon, it was her choice, if she let you get any closer or not.
‘Room 109,’ Malvika said, as Hrishab reached her. She took his hand again and they walked to the elevator. But there were far too many people standing to get in. Malvika led them to the stairs and they started climbing them. Hrishab was tired and wanted to protest although it was just one floor, but he took one look at Malvika, and couldn’t. They took the stairs in small quick steps and were soon on the first floor. They looked around. A nurse stopped by.
‘Yes?’
‘Room 109?’
‘First room on your left.’
‘Thank you.’
They started walking toward the room – but suddenly Malvika had slowed down. Hrishab noticed this and slowed down as well. Finally, she stopped a few steps short of the room. Hrishab stopped as well. He waited patiently for Malvika to do something. She turned around and looked at him. He looked at her.
He gave her hand a squeeze and blinked.
She turned left and walked right upto the room.
She could see him inside the room.
He had lost quite some weight – his tall frame looked frail and weak, as he lay on the bed. There was a copy of Wuthering Heights propped open upon his chest. Malvika instantly recognised it as the one she had gifted him, and the one he had mocked her about. She looked at all the tubes going inside his body – carrying God only knows what not. He looked quite okay otherwise. And then Malvika noticed his head.
Those thick black curls that she had locked her fingers into once upon a time were gone. What remained was only the skull cap that she used to tease him about.
A lady sitting next to him looked up from her book at Malvika. She immediately got up and came outside the room.
‘Hello aunty,’ Malvika greeted her, as she put her free hand on the lady’s shoulder. The lady grabbed it and started crying. Malvika looked at Hrishab and then back at the lady.
‘Thank you for coming beta,’ the lady said. ‘He is waiting for you.’
Malvika smiled at the lady, and opened the door, and though she had made no sound, Vikram opened his eyes and looked at her. He smiled.
‘Hi.’
And with that, Malvika let go or Hrishab’s hand and walked into the room, closing the door behind her.
-x-x-
The lady looked at Hrishab, offering him half an awkward smile. Hrishab smiled back.
‘Are you with Malvika?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s your name?’
‘Hrishab.’
She went and sat in one of the chairs placed outside the room. She motioned for Hrishab to join her.
‘I am glad you could come with her. I had been angry and worried when Vikram had called her – angry because he had not done the right thing by disturbing her and her life by making that phone call out of the blue, and with the news that he had; worried because I didn’t know how Malvika would take it.’
‘You knew about your son and Malvika?’
A long pause. A sigh.
‘Yes.’
Another long awkward pause.
‘I’m glad she is not alone,’ the lady said again. Hrishab could not really read the emotion in her voice. But he could make out one thing for sure – the woman was trying to say ‘I’m glad she found someone’ in every way other than directly saying it.
Hrishab steered the lady towards her son.
‘When did you find out?’
‘Eight months back.’
So he had thought a lot before informing Malvika, Hrishab thought.
‘How did you come to know?’
The lady removed her specs and put them into a case before answering him.
‘He threw up blood.’
Hrishab didn’t know what else to say.
‘You must be tired. Shall we go have a cup of coffee?’ the lady offered.
‘Sure, if that is not too much trouble,’ Hrishab said, but only to be polite. As much as a part of him was aching to wrap his lips around a cup of strong, hot coffee, a much bigger part of him was dying to burst into the room and pull Malvika out of it. But he knew he couldn’t do it; and more than that he knew he didn’t have to do it. But when life threatens your love, all logic seems ridiculous.
Hrishab took one look at the door of the room, and walked past it. Resisting himself a glance inside through the small glass window on the door with great difficulty, he followed the woman to the hospital canteen.
-x-x-
Malvika put her purse in one of the chairs inside the room and came and stood by the bed. Vikram closed the book and put it on the side table.
‘I can’t believe you’ve finally come around to reading it,’ Malvika said, in a desperate attempt to make casual conversation.
‘Yeah, I don’t have the kind of time to put it off to any later a date,’ Vikram said, smiling.
Malvika looked pained.
‘Come on, you know me and my sick sense of humour,’ Vikram said, ‘that only you found funny.’
Malvika made a sincere effort to smile.
‘Come sit,’ Vikram said, tucking his blanket underneath himself and making room for Malvika on the bed.
‘No I’m fine,’ she protested. There was hardly enough room on the bed for two.
‘Come on,’ Vikram said and held her hand.
Instantly Malvika went stiff. She inhaled deeply.
She still remembered his touch; and how the calluses on his palms felt. The familiarity had not faded, even over three years.
Vikram noticed it, and let go of her hand immediately.
Malvika sat down next to him. She was careful not to disturb or touch any tubes or needles running into Vikram’s veins.
‘So how are you?’
‘I am fine.’
‘You look beautiful,’ Vikram said.
Malvika looked at Vikram. This was the first time he had called her beautiful. Malvika couldn’t respond to the compliment and only nodded.
‘Was it a good flight till down here?’
‘Yes.’
‘On time too?’
‘Yep.’
Pause.
‘Malvika, thanks for coming.’
‘How could I refuse Vikram?’ Malvika said, as she allowed herself to look at Vikram.
Vikram hung his head – ‘After the way it ended between us, I never thought I would ever see you again. And I wouldn’t have, I guess, if it hadn’t been for my condition. But I couldn’t think of anyone else I wanted to talk to or meet more than you.’
‘What do you mean? What about Dhiraj?’
Vikram paused before answering, surprise evident in his eyes – ‘You still remember Dhiraj?’
‘I remember everything Vikram. It is not so long ago for me to start to forget everything.’
Pause.
‘He is in Auckland now. Got a job.’
‘And…’ Malvika hesitated.
‘Swati?’ Vikram prompted. Malvika only nodded.
‘We are not in touch anymore.’
‘Why? What happened?’
‘We broke up within a few months.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Vikram didn’t reply.
‘What went wrong?’ Malvika tried again.
‘I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Oh ok. I’m sorry I brought it up.’
‘No no, come on. It’s alright, you couldn’t have known.’
Vikram looked at Malvika as she tried to think of something to say to stay away from the most obvious of questions. Vikram could see her struggle inside her head, as she went through all the things she could talk about so as to steer clear from talking about his illness.
‘So you still drive your old Kinetic?’ Vikram asked out of the blue.
‘Of course! I love it! She’s my first love!’ Malvika said, trying to sound cheerful. ‘And I’m sure you still have your Yamaha?’
‘Nah, I sold it.’
‘What? Why!’ Malvika exclaimed, the surprise genuine in her voice.
‘Just. Didn’t feel like driving it anymore.’
‘How are all your crazy friends from college?’
‘I don’t know,’ Vikram answered after thinking for a while.
‘What do you mean “I don’t know”?’
‘I am not in touch with anyone anymore.’
‘Oh my God. Vikram what happened?’
‘I don’t know. Everything just went wrong suddenly, one after the other. First it went kaput between me and Swati. And then just everything went wrong. And then I was diagnosed of cancer, about a week before your birthday. It just all went kind of downhill from there, everything just went out of – Malvika, you’re crying.’
Malvika wiped her tears of her cheeks, but they refuse to stay behind her eyes any longer.
‘You’d called on my birthday. Why didn’t you tell me?’ Malvika said through her tears. And then, neither could tell who initiated it, but they were in each other’s arms and their lips had locked.
Malvika clung onto Vikram’s shirt and kissed him. Vikram kissed her back, holding her in his arms, caressing her and try to calm her down. But Malvika couldn’t stop. She kept on crying. She cried and cried till her throat went dry. ‘Why?’ she kept on asking.
‘I just didn’t,’ was all Vikram had to say in reply.
‘Vikram, don’t you know even by now, what you meant to me?’ Malvika asked sincerely.
‘I do Malvika – and it scares me. I am not worth what you give me.’
Malvika nodded ‘no’.
‘I am not Malvika, even though you think otherwise.’
‘Vikram that’s not even an answer! We were a lot more than just…’ Malvika couldn’t complete her sentence. ‘Vikram you were always special to me, and you will always be! You should’ve told me Vikram! I can’t believe it… all this time, all these years… and you didn’t call me even once! I know we didn’t break up on a healthy note, but still! We meant a lot more to each other…’
‘It was not until I lost you that I realised it Malvika. I just couldn’t bring myself to call you.’
‘Vikram…’
But Malvika could say no more.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door.
Malvika got up and reached for her purse. She pulled out a napkin and went into the bathroom as a nurse came in to check on Vikram.
‘Is there anything you need?’ Malvika heard a female voice above the sound of tap water.
‘No I’m fine, thank you.’ Vikram’s voice. Malvika wiped the water off her face and entered the room again, just as the nurse left. She put her napkin back into the purse and came and sat down beside Vikram again.
‘It feels so nice to see you Malvika. I really mean it.’
‘It is good to see you too Vikram.’
‘I’m sorry it didn’t work out – ’
‘Stop it Vikram. Forget about it.’
Pause.
‘You tell me about yourself! How are you doing?’
‘I am fine. I’m doling ok.’
‘Have you come alone?’
‘No I got someone along with me…’ Malvika answered tentatively.
Vikram looked at her.
‘What’s his name?’ he asked.
‘Hrishab.’
Pause.
‘Would you like to meet him?’
‘I would love to.’
-x-x-
Hrishab was pacing the corridor outside Room 109. It had been almost an hour since Malvika had entered the room. He couldn’t wait any longer. Vikram’s mother had stayed back in the canteen as she bumped into someone she knew, while Hrishab had come back up to the room. Hrishab wondered what Malvika and Vikram were talking about, what they were doing. Sure Vikram had only a few months of life left, but Hrishab had no sympathy for him. Malvika had barely given him the most essential information, but Hrishab had never had to ask; for any person with even an ounce of compassion could tell what a tough time Malvika had had to go through. And then Hrishab could read faces.
He had chosen never to ask Malvika anything after the first and the last time she told him about Vikram, but that does not mean Hrishab did not know what had happened. And he had no sympathy for a guy who could put someone he loved at some point of time at least through something like that. And least of all someone Hrishab now loved more than anyone else. He could and would never forgive Vikram. Ever.
The door to room 109 opened and Malvika stepped outside – one look and Hrishab knew he had made a mistake by agreeing to fly Malvika down to Delhi. A girl like her did not deserve to be put through this turmoil, no matter how much she wanted it.
Malvika walked upto Hrishab. Hrishab stepped toward her and hugged her. He kissed her on the forehead.
‘Are you alright?’ he asked.
‘Yes. I am fine,’ she said while still hugging him back, her head on his chest. She stayed like that for a moment, then looked up at him.
‘Will you come inside and say hi, please?’
‘Why?’
Malvika paused – ‘For me?’
-x-x-
‘Hi.’
‘Hi Hrishab. Thanks for flying Malvika down. I am really grateful. And it’s nice to meet you.’
Malvika looked at the two of them – one too upset to talk, the other too ashamed. She tried to fill in.
‘Hrishab works with Capgemini.’
‘Oh I see.’
‘He will be flying to Texas next week regarding work. He is going to be there for about a month.’
‘Texas is an awesome place.’
Malvika’s phone buzzed. She fished it out of her purse.
‘I’m sorry, I have to take this. Please excuse me,’ she said as she walked out of the room.
Vikram looked at Hrishab.
‘Thanks for coming, really. It means a lot to me.’
‘I did not do it for you.’
‘And you have done it quite unwillingly for her as well, as I can see.’
Hrishab began to say something, but stopped himself. For as much as he could never bring himself to forgive Vikram, he could read the regret on his face, as clear as ink on paper. Only he wished he could tell Vikram everything that he had to do to pull Malvika out of him, to convince her to trust people again, to trust herself again. Only he knew what that girl talking on the phone outside had been through, and how much it had thrown her off track, how deeply it had shook her. Only Hrishab knew how helpless Malvika had sounded when she’d told Hrishab why she wasn’t attracted to him in spite of him being such a great person, why she felt nothing about a guy who would have otherwise made her go weak in the knees, why she was so inert. Vikram didn’t know how horribly Malvika had closed into herself, and how difficult it had been for her to come out of her closet. He didn’t know how much the girl had paid, and only for having loved – selflessly and honestly.
But the regret and remorse on Vikram’s face was unmistakable. And Hrishab couldn’t possibly bring himself to say anything to him.
‘I threw away something that people don’t get even once in their life. I didn’t know what I had when I had it. But I hope you do. And I hope you will take good care of her and cherish her much more than I ever had or ever can.’
Hrishab nodded in reply.
Malvika entered the room as if on cue. She looked at both of them and smiled.
‘We are going to our hotel room now. We will come back in the evening to see you again,’ Malvika said, as they decided to take leave.
‘I’ll let you say goodbye,’ Hrishab said and walked out of the room.
‘So long,’ Malvika said, as she bent down to hug Vikram.
‘Bye. I really missed you all these years. It was so nice to see you,’ Vikram said, as he put his arms around Malvika’s neck and hugged her back.
‘Anything I can bring for you when I come in the evening?’ Malvika asked.
‘Just yourself – it is more than I can ever be grateful for anyway.’
‘Come on Vikram, don’t talk that way.’
‘You still get so disturbed Malvika – its alright. I am ready now.’
‘What do you mean?’
Vikram looked at Malvika, taking some time before he answered. He looked at those eyes that were once full of love for him, and those arms that he’d caressed standing in the balcony of his house. He looked at the locket that still hung around Malvika's neck and that he had never liked but had grown fond of over time. He looked at her, unblinking, drinking in with his eyes the sight of that lovely face, that lovely girl, that girl who loved him, but who he could never love back as much. He looked at her, as if absorbing her so that he could keep her in his memory forever. He tried to remember the Malvika he had known, and it struck him – nothing had changed. She still loved him, at some level. There was a part of her that she had with him, and that he knew would always be only his, till eternity, even though she was with Hrishab now and they were going to get married.
Nothing had changed.
And yet everything had.
‘Nothing,’ he said finally, and Malvika walked out of the door.
-x-x-
Vikram’s mother walked into the room. Vikram kept on staring outside the window. She came in and sat next to him on the bed. She looked at him. But he kept staring out of the window.
‘Are you feeling better?’
But Vikram didn’t say a word.
‘I am glad she came,’ Vikram’s mother said.
Vikram still didn’t respond.
His mother called out to him – ‘Vikram?’
He still didn’t respond.
She got off the bed and walked around to face Vikram. Tears were running down his cheeks. She stretched out a hand to wipe them off, and Vikram collapsed into tears. He hugged his mother and buried his face in her bosom. ‘I wish!’ he cried…
And he never said any more.
