BHAD MEIN JAA! (GO TO HELL!)

You know, there are days when you want to attend all lectures, strictly refrain from bulldozing your friends into proxy-ing for you, sit and pay attention to the teacher’s every word, scribble notes from ‘initial time: 0’ to ‘final time: t’, get up at the end of the lecture, wish the teacher ‘good afternoon’, wait till she leaves, then sit down and wait for the next teacher to come…

And then there’s every other day…

But even though today was like every other day, it felt different. Me and my new world friends (i.e. friends at my new college, where I am doing BSc) came down the stairs and entered the canteen. We had actually sat for the first botany lecture (all five of us) and had had enough of our dose of teachers, classrooms, attendance and lectures and anything remotely related to studies. We were now free to enjoy the day…

‘Su layees?’ my Gujju friend asked her twin… and immediately there were echoes of the only Gujurathi words we knew. Several ‘su layees’es later we had finally decided on the usual items… one missal-paav for the twins, and one dosa, one wada sambaar and one packet of strictly American Cream ‘n’ Onion flavored Lays in sharing for the rest of us.

‘What the hell yaar! The lecture was exceptionally boring today, no?’ the usual chit-chat began.

‘If you will sit for the lecture after so many days, it will obviously be so boring,’ Trupti, the sincerest among us patronized.

‘Ae! Baas ha!’ (Hey! That’s enough!) We all know you are the mostest sincere gal among all of us,’ I said. ‘Now no need to lecture us.’ That evoked several supportive responses from everyone, and a predictable response from Trupti: fury. She hated it when I spoke wrong English… of course only to tease her.

‘What the hell yaar! You don’t sit for the lecture, and then you call sir names!’ she said indignantly.

‘Bh___’ I began to say something, but quickly stopped myself. God! Was it really true then, what my parents and friends and people who knew me said? I couldn’t speak one sentence these days without saying those three words I was trying to get out of the habit of saying.

‘Just go yaar!’ I said finally. I tore the packet of Lays open, and munched noisily on the chips.

‘No, but really, today was utterly boring,’ one of the twins, Rupal, jabbed in. ‘God! My head is aching as if it might split any minute! I so badly need to sleep…’ she said wistfully.
‘Yeah, it was boring,’ said Tejashree. ‘I never thought Shinde-sir could get so boring. Not a single smile! I was literally dozing off. At one point all I wanted to do was get up and leave the class, right on his face.’

‘Shut up!’ Rashmi, the other twin, said suddenly.

‘Ab tujhe kya hua?’ (Now whats wrong with you?)

But Rashmi only nodded. We all looked and saw our Vice Principal walking into the canteen.

‘What the hell! Why is she coming here?’ I mused aloud; and shut up immediately as Trupti elbowed me in the stomach, but not before threatening to murder her as soon as our Vice Principal was out of sight. As we looked at our Vice Principal, our eyes following her everywhere she went, we realised she was headed for the only empty table in the canteen, right next to ours.

This is whats called ‘luck’.

As she came in and sat down, our voices dropped, but the banter kept going.

But just then I sensed; something was going to happen.

Something huge.

Something bad.

I kept putting the thought out of my head. But it kept coming. And so did Trupti’s arguments. God! I so wished I had my camera with me to click a picture of Trupti; she was arguing like her life depended on it.

‘You know what? You have a problem with everyone! You find everyone boring! What the hell! Poor sir was unwell, did you see? His nose was red like a tomato and still he was teaching!’

‘So?’ I answered in a monosyllable.

‘So? What do you mean ‘so’? Our teachers do so much for us. The least we can do is appreciate it.’ Trupti’s voice was going up by a decibel with every word.

‘Ya! So when did I say ‘no’?’

‘Then how can you call him boring?’ she was almost screeching now, to her fullest; or rather to the fullest she could while she struggled to prevent our Vice Principal from hearing it.

And just then, even before I knew it, the dreaded words were out.

‘BHAD MEIN JAA!’

Sound of steel spoon clanking onto plate.

Five pairs of eyes turned in the direction of the sound.

‘Honestly, I can’t do a thing without being clumsy these days,’ we hear the Vice Principal say to another lady sitting in front of her.

I heave a sigh of relief. She hasn’t heard me.

Resumption of all activities.

Some moments pass.

Some minutes pass.

The Vice Principal finally looks like she wants to get up.

She gets up and turns to look at us.

She looks at me, straight at me.

‘Five minutes before I see you in my cabin,’ she says, and I gulp. Damn! So she did hear me! I don’t know what words she is going to shower upon me (I choose not to think about it) but I know one thing for sure… I am damned. Five minutes, or rather four minutes and thirty-seven seconds later (I have a digital watch) I am in her cabin.

‘Welcome!’ she says, with a smile.

Ok.

Either she is mad, or I am imagining things. I swallow. Man! She is angry and she is smiling... should I be scared or relieved?

‘Please take a sit Miss Mrunal Belvalkar…’ she says. I am taken aback to know she knows my full name. In case you are wondering, I am not used to trips to the Vice Principals cabin. ‘You want water?’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Please,’ I add.

A peon appears out of nowhere and puts a glass of water in front of me. I gulp it down. I am about to wipe my mouth to the back of my sleeve, but I check myself and stop short of it. I remove a never-used napkin from my bag and wipe my mouth to it. The Vice Principal looks impressed. She gives me a minute; and I think how I am going to explain it to Dad, least to Mom. Man… what a soup I was in!

‘I guess you know by now why I have called you here, to meet me…’ the Vice Principal said.

I gulped and tried to smile.

‘I had never expected this,’ she continued. ‘Neither had I,’ I thought. What yaar! Why did she have to come and sit in the students’ area in the canteen? And on top of that, why did I have to say it in front of her? Daaaaamn!

‘Your parents will be very proud of you when they hear it,’ she continued. ‘And so am I proud of you.’

Hold it. Hold it hold it hold it. I was now convinced; our Vice Principal is officially mad.

Suddenly she got up. I too automatically got up. She came to my side from across the table and took my hand.

‘Congratulations. You have stood first in the college.’

SHIT.

‘Ma’am but___’

‘But what? Aren’t you happy?’

I try to absorb what she has just said. And then it dawns on me. Today is 27th December. Our results were going to be declared today afternoon! I realise her lips are moving… she is still saying something… but I can hardly hear her! About ten minutes I find myself walking out of her cabin and towards the canteen. My friends are still there.

‘Kya hua?’ (What happened?)

‘Abe bol na! Come on! Speak up!’

‘I am first in college.’

‘What?’

‘F*#@!’

And suddenly everyone (except the five of us) was concerned the roof of the canteen was going to blow up. Suddenly Trupti looked at her watch and said, ‘Oye! We must leave! Its Micro lecture!’ But all I did was wave my hand and shout:

‘BHAD MEIN JAA!’