The power of the human brain or mind – I don’t know which is it exactly – to associate certain things or situations with certain people or places is so strong that it amuses me sometimes, and almost makes me wish it weren’t so…
… that movie which always makes you think of your best friend, no matter the place where you are watching the movie, or the time of the day at which you are watching it…
… or that fragrance that you associate with those cold winter mornings when you used to go for an early morning walk…
… or that song that reminds you of a love that was never meant to be…
You associate every minute detail of that memory with the person or the place that they remind you of – though it may not always hold true. You see your friend in place of the protagonist in the movie; you suddenly start to feel cold, even though it isn’t cold that day, and you wish that someone special meant the words of that song for you and only you, almost as if he wrote it for you…
And then you almost instantly wish you had not remembered… you wish you had forgotten all about it…
On a particularly neutral night, 2572 songs playing on shuffle mode, and the one song that still manages to send chills up and down my spine plays… and I freeze. I do not turn it off. I do not turn it up. I just keep staring at my laptop, and the song keeps playing… an agonising seven minutes fifty-six seconds long song… it just keeps playing…
… and then that particular line that I still so strongly associate with him…
I close my eyes – and I am in that small studio apartment again, in his arms, underneath that teddy-bear blanket, content – though not comfortable maybe, sharing one small mattress on a cold winter evening…
I almost feel my stomach knotting as it all comes back so strongly as nothing can ever bring it back.
I open the folder containing the song. I right click on it – but I just can’t bring myself to delete it…
It is the only song in my library that is in .m4a format…
It is the only song by that artist in my library…
It is the only thing that’s proof that he is not just a character from one of my stories but was for real; that he really happened to me.
He has vanished off the face of my life.
I do not have his number.
I do not remember his e-mail address.
I do not remember any contact detail…
But I don’t know if I should be glad about it or not…
‘It would be nice to listen to his voice again’, I think, only to realise I have forgotten what he sounds like…
‘It would be nice to know what he is doing now’, I think, only to realise he is not even in the same city any more…
So many things forgotten…
And then why do I still associate this song with him?
It is a pity I will never appreciate the song ever again in my life – for I cannot listen to it and NOT think about him…
And the thought of him – ah! It pains! The pang is deep, the pang is genuine… the pang is proof that he is not just a character from one of my stories but was for real; that he really happened to me.
How is it that a single song or a single movie is able to recreate the mood, the feeling, and the state of mind that is now a thing of the past, to such a minute detail?
I almost rub my sides, in fearful anticipation of finding his arms still wrapped around me… but I feel my own touch, and I don’t know if I am glad or sad that it’s only me… that hereon it will always be only me… that the memory will never be complete…
Dhadkan yeh mere dilki… puchhe re tere dil se… ke sach-much kya hai tu duniya mein?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
BLINDED BY THE MUNDANE
Today I appeared for the last internal theory exam of the semester, and probably of my life. From the waking moment of the day, I was feeling rather anxious. I tried to place cause and effect in order, but couldn’t. I decided to stop thinking about it and to concentrate on the exam that lay ahead.
The hour of the exam came and went – but the feeling remained. After the exam, we went to the college canteen and sat down to snack a little. We started talking about all the usual topics – a project that had finally come to an end, a thesis that was finally in hand, a college that we were finally going to get out of, a staff that we would finally not have to bear everyday… though many of the things we said were exaggerated, many of them were even true. I went and submitted a copy of my thesis at the institute where I did my thesis project – and on the way I realised this was probably the last time I was going to that place too; the last time I was driving down that road (for I have nothing else that would take me on that course again); the last time I was going to pass by those colourful teddy bears that a small family sold on the street; the last time I was going to wish I could just drive further down the road and go visit my friend who lives close by (for now I actually can do it when I want, and not just keep wishing I could).
And I realised that was where my nervousness was coming from – that finality in the day today.
Everything was coming to an end, one after the other – like the chapters of a book.
Since school I had been sure about what I wanted to do – science stream in 11-12th; graduation in Microbiology after that; post graduation after that… and now suddenly I didn’t know what lay ahead, or what I wanted to do.
It was a hilarious moment when suddenly Shahid Kapoor flashed in my mind – running alongside white horses in Kaminey.
That’s kinda how I felt at that moment – and there is only little exaggeration in the statement.
For the first time on my way back from the institute today, I noticed 6 different trees in full bloom in the middle of summer. I also noticed a dhobhi-ghaat by the banks of the river which I drove over every day. I drove by at 30kmph from the institute to my house, and it took me 45 minutes. But I didn’t feel the need to hurry to anywhere today. I was on my own. I could go home when I wanted. I could NOT go home if I wanted. There was no one expecting things off me – time, punctuality, results, reports, answers, marks, nothing.
I was free.
The realisation was one full of relief and fear; relief because now I had a lot of free time, fear because I had not a clue about how I was going to spend it.
It was something like what Budd says to Elle – now that your enemy is dead, which is the greatest ‘R’ you feel, relief or regret? People who have a job tend to live longer. Now that your enemy is dead, what are you going to do?
At the dinner table a couple of days back, I said I’d have been better off in Arts rather than in the field of Science, to which Dad said – don’t say that; science always helps you develop as a person. Now you have your whole life to do what you want to do.
But I am not sure if I am happy about the fact, or not.
In fact I am not sure about what I feel about it at all!
I have always wanted to do a lot of things – learn to play the piano, take dance lessons, know how to read people’s handwriting, go on a holiday, travel, write, work on my photography skills. But I never did them saying I didn’t have time. And now that time is here, I don’t know how I feel about spending it on doing each of these things… cos I was brought up to believe that these things can be done at any point in life, now is the time to make your life, to make a career, to make somebody of yourself. But isn’t now also the time to do insane stuff with friends, act crazy, have a booze party, fall in and out and in love again, keep secrets, keep promises…?
I sometimes look back and feel like all I have done in the past five years is earn two degrees and get a distinction. I know the statement is largely not true, but it also is true to some degree. Where has been the time to even meet friends, forget doing stuff together?
Life, time, moments – they always pass you by. And you can’t expect things to slow down just because you are too busy. But what you can do is not let life ALWAYS pass you by. Spend time with yourself, spend time with your friends, spend money on yourself, pamper yourself, and get yourself that ridiculously expensive watch or dress if you really want it!
Sometimes we only have to shift by a few degrees to understand and enjoy what’s been served to us better – after all tequila sucks without lemon!
The hour of the exam came and went – but the feeling remained. After the exam, we went to the college canteen and sat down to snack a little. We started talking about all the usual topics – a project that had finally come to an end, a thesis that was finally in hand, a college that we were finally going to get out of, a staff that we would finally not have to bear everyday… though many of the things we said were exaggerated, many of them were even true. I went and submitted a copy of my thesis at the institute where I did my thesis project – and on the way I realised this was probably the last time I was going to that place too; the last time I was driving down that road (for I have nothing else that would take me on that course again); the last time I was going to pass by those colourful teddy bears that a small family sold on the street; the last time I was going to wish I could just drive further down the road and go visit my friend who lives close by (for now I actually can do it when I want, and not just keep wishing I could).
And I realised that was where my nervousness was coming from – that finality in the day today.
Everything was coming to an end, one after the other – like the chapters of a book.
Since school I had been sure about what I wanted to do – science stream in 11-12th; graduation in Microbiology after that; post graduation after that… and now suddenly I didn’t know what lay ahead, or what I wanted to do.
It was a hilarious moment when suddenly Shahid Kapoor flashed in my mind – running alongside white horses in Kaminey.
That’s kinda how I felt at that moment – and there is only little exaggeration in the statement.
For the first time on my way back from the institute today, I noticed 6 different trees in full bloom in the middle of summer. I also noticed a dhobhi-ghaat by the banks of the river which I drove over every day. I drove by at 30kmph from the institute to my house, and it took me 45 minutes. But I didn’t feel the need to hurry to anywhere today. I was on my own. I could go home when I wanted. I could NOT go home if I wanted. There was no one expecting things off me – time, punctuality, results, reports, answers, marks, nothing.
I was free.
The realisation was one full of relief and fear; relief because now I had a lot of free time, fear because I had not a clue about how I was going to spend it.
It was something like what Budd says to Elle – now that your enemy is dead, which is the greatest ‘R’ you feel, relief or regret? People who have a job tend to live longer. Now that your enemy is dead, what are you going to do?
At the dinner table a couple of days back, I said I’d have been better off in Arts rather than in the field of Science, to which Dad said – don’t say that; science always helps you develop as a person. Now you have your whole life to do what you want to do.
But I am not sure if I am happy about the fact, or not.
In fact I am not sure about what I feel about it at all!
I have always wanted to do a lot of things – learn to play the piano, take dance lessons, know how to read people’s handwriting, go on a holiday, travel, write, work on my photography skills. But I never did them saying I didn’t have time. And now that time is here, I don’t know how I feel about spending it on doing each of these things… cos I was brought up to believe that these things can be done at any point in life, now is the time to make your life, to make a career, to make somebody of yourself. But isn’t now also the time to do insane stuff with friends, act crazy, have a booze party, fall in and out and in love again, keep secrets, keep promises…?
I sometimes look back and feel like all I have done in the past five years is earn two degrees and get a distinction. I know the statement is largely not true, but it also is true to some degree. Where has been the time to even meet friends, forget doing stuff together?
Life, time, moments – they always pass you by. And you can’t expect things to slow down just because you are too busy. But what you can do is not let life ALWAYS pass you by. Spend time with yourself, spend time with your friends, spend money on yourself, pamper yourself, and get yourself that ridiculously expensive watch or dress if you really want it!
Sometimes we only have to shift by a few degrees to understand and enjoy what’s been served to us better – after all tequila sucks without lemon!
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