THE MEMORY

The power of the human brain or mind – I don’t know which is it exactly – to associate certain things or situations with certain people or places is so strong that it amuses me sometimes, and almost makes me wish it weren’t so…

… that movie which always makes you think of your best friend, no matter the place where you are watching the movie, or the time of the day at which you are watching it…

… or that fragrance that you associate with those cold winter mornings when you used to go for an early morning walk…

… or that song that reminds you of a love that was never meant to be…

You associate every minute detail of that memory with the person or the place that they remind you of – though it may not always hold true. You see your friend in place of the protagonist in the movie; you suddenly start to feel cold, even though it isn’t cold that day, and you wish that someone special meant the words of that song for you and only you, almost as if he wrote it for you…

And then you almost instantly wish you had not remembered… you wish you had forgotten all about it…

On a particularly neutral night, 2572 songs playing on shuffle mode, and the one song that still manages to send chills up and down my spine plays… and I freeze. I do not turn it off. I do not turn it up. I just keep staring at my laptop, and the song keeps playing… an agonising seven minutes fifty-six seconds long song… it just keeps playing…

… and then that particular line that I still so strongly associate with him…

I close my eyes – and I am in that small studio apartment again, in his arms, underneath that teddy-bear blanket, content – though not comfortable maybe, sharing one small mattress on a cold winter evening…

I almost feel my stomach knotting as it all comes back so strongly as nothing can ever bring it back.

I open the folder containing the song. I right click on it – but I just can’t bring myself to delete it…

It is the only song in my library that is in .m4a format…

It is the only song by that artist in my library…

It is the only thing that’s proof that he is not just a character from one of my stories but was for real; that he really happened to me.

He has vanished off the face of my life.

I do not have his number.

I do not remember his e-mail address.

I do not remember any contact detail…

But I don’t know if I should be glad about it or not…

‘It would be nice to listen to his voice again’, I think, only to realise I have forgotten what he sounds like…

‘It would be nice to know what he is doing now’, I think, only to realise he is not even in the same city any more…

So many things forgotten…

And then why do I still associate this song with him?

It is a pity I will never appreciate the song ever again in my life – for I cannot listen to it and NOT think about him…

And the thought of him – ah! It pains! The pang is deep, the pang is genuine… the pang is proof that he is not just a character from one of my stories but was for real; that he really happened to me.

How is it that a single song or a single movie is able to recreate the mood, the feeling, and the state of mind that is now a thing of the past, to such a minute detail?

I almost rub my sides, in fearful anticipation of finding his arms still wrapped around me… but I feel my own touch, and I don’t know if I am glad or sad that it’s only me… that hereon it will always be only me… that the memory will never be complete…

Dhadkan yeh mere dilki… puchhe re tere dil se… ke sach-much kya hai tu duniya mein?