Have you ever watched a movie, or read a book or heard a story, and thought to yourself, this is what I want from life? This is what you want the most from life, and then you would make peace with everything that came your way? If this was in fact your story, then you could die peacefully? The thought to me is altogether scary and fascinating...
I had heard about the movie Before Sunrise a long time ago. Last night, quite serendipitously, a friend of mine downloaded the movie and gave it to me. I saw it, and this is what crossed my mind when I finished watching it: this is what I want the most in life. It goes back to and resonates with so many of the conversations I have had with close friends... If you had heard those conversations, you would think I am being redundant, or obsessed with the idea. And I will be stark honest with you [and with myself] about this that you wouldn't be far from the truth if you thought so. Yes I am obsessed with the idea.
"How randomly can you meet someone?"
"I have been looking forward to it for ages, you have no idea how much and how long I have been waiting for this.”
… the conversation with one friend where we talked about meeting someone randomly... the conversation with another where we talked about connecting with someone; really connecting with someone till a point when you can take make out quite precisely what the person is thinking about... another one, where we talked about being in a place where no one knew you, and no one judged you... Would you be the same person you are right now, if no one you knew, actually knew where you were? What if you found yourself in... I don’t know... Peru or some place, and nobody back home, your parents, your friends, your relatives, your ex-es, nobody knew you were in Peru. You didn’t have to tell anyone where you were or when you were getting back, or what you were going to wear, or when you were gonna be home, or if you were gonna be drinking or smoking or fucking or not... What if you were not practically or even morally answerable to those questions...? Would you still be doing the exact same things then, as you are doing right now? I know I would be a completely different person. So then which is the real you? The one you are when you are alone, or the one you are with all those, those people in your life? There is so much, SO much we don’t say or do because we have all these people in our life… and more often than not, they are the reason for all our disappointment and restlessness rather than the answer or solution to it.
I saw the movie and I thought, wow. It would be so nice to just buy a ticket and be on my way to somewhere, meet someone nice, spend a day, a weekend with him... Just take the first road outside where you are living, and go walking to wherever the road leads to, stop at whichever restaurant or cafe you feel like without wondering or worrying about the hygiene, eat what you feel like, and then push off down a different road. Hang out at a park... Throw pebbles... Attend stupid gigs... Finish off an entire bottle of wine... All these days I used to wonder: what it was about this idea that was so romantic, so appealing. Why did it draw me so much, this crazy little fantasy. Today I know: it is the fact that I can be totally myself, only with a stranger. Yes. It is true. The minute you get to know someone, it’s ruined. You can never ever be yourself around someone you know. Not truly yourself. You always need to do certain things, act in certain ways, go certain places, not drink more than a certain amount, not hug, not hold hands, not kiss... Why do we do this? And we all have been doing this since such a long time.... It’s depressing, seriously… and I’m not saying I am any different; and that is even more depressing to me.
You know what I really want to learn? I want to learn to love someone unconditionally.
Now I want to take a minute and explain what I said. Unconditionally is not the same as blindly, or without expectation. What I truly want to learn is to be in love with the whole of a person, the whole of his being. Now that again is not synonymous to "with his faults and shortcomings"... What I am trying to say is, I want to be in a position where nothing a person says or does upsets me or matters to me, and where my love for him does not depend on what he says or does. Only then can love be truly unconditional... or so I believe…
It is funny how you learn some expressions so early on in life, and then spend the rest of your life trying to understand the entirety of those expressions; their depth, their mysticism... you know what I mean? I learnt the term “unconditional love" sometime in school I remember, around the time I had a huge crush on this guy [calf love actually...] May be I am not making any sense and this is all coming out mixed up... Aaaah! Movies! They fuck you in the brain...
What I am really trying to say is: I want to have a Before Sunrise of my own. And when I think about it, I think that is such a simple thing to want. Why should it be so hard to get/fulfill? Because I have all these people in my life whose approval I need, at some level, to actually go out there and pursue what I want. I have to convince them of my idea, and why it is a good idea; when actually the only person I should be convincing for or against the idea is my own self.
God! It’s just weird, watching a movie like that. I downloaded Before Sunset later, and saw that too, and I was ready to cry at the end of it. I hate the directory and the script writer for making a movie that is too true to be a movie. You know, this friend of mine once said: you need that one bit of difference in the movies and real life... You need that teeny bit of difference, for your sanity, if nothing else... Or else movies would end up being so true, it would kill us...
"I've just had too many, blah relationships. They weren't mean, they cared for me, but there were no real connection or no excitement. At least not from my side... It happened after I read your fucking book. It stirred shit up you know? It reminded me of how genuinely romantic I was or how I had so much hope in things and now it’s like, I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don’t feel things for people any more. In a way I put all my romanticism into that one night and was never able to feel all those things again. Like somehow this night took things away from me and I expressed them to you and you took them with you. It made me feel cold like if love wasn't for me. You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me... You know I guess I been heartbroken too many time, and now I've recovered. So now you know from the start I make no efforts because I know it’s never gonna work out, I know it’s not gonna work out... I’m so miserable in my love life and my relationships, I always act as, like, you know I'm detached but I'm, I'm dying inside. I'm dying because I’m so numb, I don’t feel any pain or excitement, I'm not even bitter..."
Could anything else better express my state of mind for the past couple years, than those lines said by Celine in the car, on her way to her apartment, along with writer Jesse? No... Even with all the guys I had been with, there was always something missing. I never felt for them the way I felt for this one particular guy I dated back in college. But only after watching these movies did I realise why. It wasn’t because that guy was so great... it was never about that guy to begin with! It is because Iwas a different person before... it’s about me! Not that dumbass of a guy...! What I really miss is that old me... that carefree me, who wasn't afraid to express... who didn't think twice before saying how happy she was, or how much she cared about someone, right to their face.... how cruel, how unfair is it that I have lost the ability to express love and care because I keep thinking it might scare the person off... and how sick is it that in today's world, telling someone you love them comes with the possibility that it will scare them away; that they will be put off! How can getting to know someone loves you, ever put you off? How did our generation come to be so fucked up? It is sooo fucked up, I don’t even pity us anymore. I miss that old me; and I think that is what aches the most in any heartbreak, for anyone... that little part of you that you shared with that person, that you are never gonna get back, that’s gone forever... yes, that is what aches the most, and that is what we ache for to come back... I know I do... here he is, all charming, funny, big heart guy in front of me... but I can’t fall for him. I can’t go beyond a certain step. I don’t feel anything! I’m making no efforts, because more than reasons why it can work out, I keep seeing scores of reasons why it will never work out, why he won’t be on the lookout for something serious at the moment, why he will never be interested in someone like me, why he will never understand someone like me... the old me would have been fantasizing about him and writing love poems and painting the town red by now... this, this new me is just not bothered... she just has a huge crush on him, but nothing goes beyond that! I was never like that!
You know just the other day I wrote a mail to my best friend. I met a classmate recently, and that was when I realised this thing that I had to discuss with my best friend. So I wrote her a mail and I said something to her in the mail that came, even to me, as a surprise and a shock; for till the moment that I had written it, I never realised it. I wrote to her: Chiki I give up on people and relationships too easily these days... I don't know why this is happening... but I just know I wasn’t like this before. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, now is the time when I should actually be at my amicable best and all that bull, what with wanting to settle down and all... what if I give up on my guy too soon or something? Is that why I find myself so... so romantically inert these days?
I do not know the answers to these questions... but it is kinda funny how my musings are always so full of questions... some peoples' musings are full of "happy realisations", for some, musings are just about realising stuff... my musings are always full of questions... full of questions...
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