MOM LOVES ME

I looked down at the floor

Two big fat tears fell on my dress. They blotted it and made it a shade darker___ a strawberry pink from a rose pink.

I bit the insides of my cheeks trying to stop the tears from coming. As if rebelling, they came bigger, faster, as I clenched harder.

I tried to swallow; my throat had gone dry in seconds. I tried to breathe, but my nose had choked. I opened my mouth and took deep breaths. I ran a tongue over my lips. They desiccated within splits seconds.

The more you try to avoid something, the more it gets back at you.

A thousand voices screamed inside my head. An army of thousand men, marching… a thousand firecrackers bursting in the sky… a thousand drums beating in perfect synchronization… nothing could have equaled the pandemonium in my head at that moment. Altogether, at once, I went back in time to when I was in seventh-grade… tenth-grade… college… last month… last week… I grew taller, bolder, smarter, wiser, more sensitive, more responsible, more mature…

But Mom was the same.

Judgmental.

Strong-headed.

One-track minded.

Hypercritical.

Insensitive.

Uncaring.

Mom was still the same.

My vision blurred as the tears pooled in my eyes. I blinked. The tears ran down my cheeks.

‘You say my behaviour hurts you. Your behaviour hurts me too.’

The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was saying.

There was a moment of dead silence.

‘But I never say it.’

Pause.

‘Because I don’t like to. And because I love you.’

I had finally found my voice. Thousands of words were on the tip of my mouth, but I clenched my teeth and stopped myself from saying them. ‘Cause I knew myself and I knew that I was capable of inflicting stinging tears by saying fewest of the most vicious words. And I didn’t want to do it. I was trying to learn not to do it.

And still my mother said I didn’t love her.

That I didn’t care for her.

How could she?

My ears felt hot. They were burning, red. The tears kept coming in steady streams.

I tried to think of our best times together.

But they kept coming.

I tried to think of the many times when we had laughed till our stomachs ached and jaws went numb.

But the tears kept coming.

I squeezed my eyes shut again to clear the pool of tears in my eyes. As I opened them I sensed some movement towards my right. I didn’t look up.

Mom came up to me. She put her arms around me.

And all dams broke loose as I heard her whisper in my ear…

‘I’m sorry.’

I put my arms around her and put my head in her bosom and cried.

It felt nice to be held by my mother, in her arms… after all these years…

It felt safe.

It felt secure.

It finally felt like… despite all my faults and the times that I had unknowingly hurt her, Mom still loved me…

Yes. Mom loves me.